Grateful . . . and a New Year's resolution

Maybe I should have written this before Thanksgiving.  But I was moved to do so tonight.

As 2016 comes to a close, there is a couple of highlights from this year (including a really neat trip to Indiana) that made an impression.  Here's one or two, though, that really hit home.

First and foremost, is the sheer magnitude of God's grace in my life.  I've come to realize I needed Him much more than I ever knew.  Wow.  At times, I can't believe how blind i was before.  But God, in his infinite love, allows you to not only see yourself as you truly are, but also as He sees you, wrapped in His love and forgiveness.  I've known about this, but really seen/been awakened to His grace in a new way year this year, and I am in awe.

Secondly, and as equally important, is that the raging spiritual battle is real.  My eyes were first opened in the fall of 1995 through the writings of Frank Peretti.  I admit, I didn't understand what I was reading at the time.  But over the ensuing years, my eyes were opened to the battle around us.  And I'm grateful for this, because we are not only spiritual creatures created by God, we are part of something greater.

I see alot of this in Mexico to be honest.  While I might be a bit partial, sometimes i feel I'm overly blessed here in the States, and a result, more distracted.  I have to CONSTANTLY remind myself it's not about how much money i have in the bank (or more correctly, don't), the possessions, but about the grace of God.  I find myself constantly battling self.

To be honest, some of God's greatest moments have come in Mexico.  Every luxury is stripped away.  I'm reminded how much I am blessed, and my heart is constantly moved to see so many trust God for their daily provisions.  And where the greatness of God remains, there too are the forces of evil, battling each and every step forward.

These two experiences have brought me to a harsh realization.  I fall so short of loving others the way I'm commanded to.  I've read it countless times, know what the Scriptures say.  I can see Paul's words that without love, it's all a bunch of noise.  And yet, I see so many areas where I've fallen short.  So many opportunities to show God's love, and I've been blinded - by my bitterness, by my passion to be right, by my arrogance.  And all I can do is hear my own noise.

So from gratefulness, I move to resolution.  I don't want to stay the same I am today.  I have so far to go and may spend the rest of my life climbing this mountain.  But it's all about the journey, not the destination.

I believe.  God - help me where I fall short.

Merry Christmas to you and yours. 

P.S. I can't get enough of this song.  The melodies, the words, the love.  I can't believe I've not worn out Youtube yet lol.  I am constantly blessed by Hillsong Music, like I imagine so many others are.

Still saying Goodbye

I've been feeling melancholy the last day or two.  I'm sure most of it has to do with starting another chapter.  And in truth I should be happy, thrilled to say the least.  But I'm not.  I supposed because it's time to say goodbye once more.

(I wrote this post earlier this year - June I think).  And while I'd love to tell you that I've conquered this one, yeah, I'm still working on it.)

I know - we separated sometime ago.  Truth is, I've been so busy preparing the future - and that was harder than I'd that I've not been able to bring myself to say goodbye.  At least not until today. 

There's much I missed out in this life, but the last 5 years have more than made up for it.  And as I stand at the next fork in the road, there's both a feeling of sadness and joy.  Sadness for the friends I'll leave behind, and joy at what the future holds.  And while I'll continue to make sacrifices for all my days, today these are hard.

To be honest, I don't enjoy summer.  I LOVE Fall and Winter. And it seemed wherever I've gone the last couple of days, each road, every path has been filled with memories of what used to be. And to that life I say goodbye, and thank you.

For without you, I would not be the man I am today.  You've molded me into a stronger and more confident individual, equipping me with tools to provide a better future.  Each time I drove my car, I'd pause a moment to remember those early morning drives.  I remembered both the battles and the victories, the joys and the sorrows of it all.

A much needed break

Tonight I needed a break.  Two days of being shut in will make one feel suffocated.

Today was a family day.  And it was, but a quiet one.  Tonight, after being inside for two days straight, I needed a break.

Not sure if you've been here before but, sometimes I feel that every good book has been read, and that every original concept of a movie has been made.  My brain sits unchallenged, un-worked, and I feel - stale.  And it's too much to bear.

I watched Joy tonight, and could relate initially with JL's character so much.  The sting of failure after failure, wondering how low you can go.  I said to my wife the other day that I couldn't understand how I could have so much potential and be so poor. Well, I know the why, it's just fixing it that's the hard part.  And I have no idea how.  It's like something is missing, and I can't tell you what "it" is. or even how to get there.  It's hard not to feel like a failure.

I wonder if I should be a writer.  But I lack that great concept to write about.  And I fear I may never find it.

I figured I could be a scholar . . . but what does that mean?

Sometimes I just feel - lost.

Tonight was one of those nights.

So I did the only thing I could come up with.  I took Stephanie to McDonald's and had an ice cream.   Her smile always seems to cheer me up.  Oh yes, I know, it's a school night.  Which i'm sure made the treat that much sweeter for her.  She calls it "Stephanie and Daddy" time. And I don't mind at all.

As we drove the windy road back to the home, my mind traveled to pre-technology days.  I've always been a sucker for Hopper's work.  I've read biographies about him, and have dreamed of seeing more of his works at the Whitney Art Museum.   I wondered what it would be like to have no computer, to have no TV.  to only have a radio.  But I'm old enough to know that sometimes life looks a little rosier through those glasses than it really was.

I've thought about my legacy, wondering what I'm leaving to my kids.  Tonight it doesn't seem like much.

I know I've changed the lives of 3 people, and I'm guessing that should be enough.

But sometimes I feel I could be doing more.  I want to do more.  But I lack the education to know what that is.  And if I found it, would I truly be happy?

And there are other days, where I "do" so much, with so little result.

No matter how hard the road, though, I do have them.  And it gets me through the day, no matter how hard it may feel.  Especially looking into those four sets of brown eyes.




I'm trying, bud.  I'm trying.

Summer's End

The wife and I attended our neighbor's birthday party tonight.  As the sun set and we sat on the porch outside, I couldn't help but pull myself from the hubbub around me and stare at the trees.  Taking a deep breath I slightly soaked it all in - the sights, the sounds, the feeling of the moment.  We are about to enter my favorite time of the year, and I could feel it.

I've no clue why this time of year makes me so nostalgic.  Mari and I were sharing that thought just a few hours ago.  If my faith and acupuncture have taught me one thing, is that we are spiritual beings.  And I can feel the fall coming  . . .

Maybe it's the introduction of cooler temperatures, or the scents of fall.  It might be the temporary sadness that summer is over, that another "click" on the counter of years has just turned another number.  Maybe ti's the anticipation of the joy of another holiday season or two right around the corner.

Whatever "it" is, I love my life right now.  The last year, has proven challenging.  But those challenges I can happily say are now victories.  I lost a job, yet now have a job, doing something I love.  I started my own business and failed, yet found my "calling" and after 40 years, know for the first time what I'm meant to do.

And I'm excited for what the future holds.

We interrupt this broadcast

With a new work schedule, and an hour drive to my new job, family dinners are few and far between. When my wife and I were first married, a change occurred.  I went from being a chef wannabe, to an observer.  Not only did my wife love to cook, she loves to cook for me and her family, a job she does very well.  And if you've lived in a multicultural home, you know that's no easy task.

As Americans, we have a very diverse menu.  Due to our immigrant beginnings, we claim some Italian, some Mexican, some Chinese, and Several other countries' as ours.  If your not used to eating such a varied smorgasbord, it's a lot to learn so I help where i can.  The wife appreciates the break, and I LOVE to cook and to entertain my family.

The girls worked late the other night, and with a couple of new summer recipes, we had a spontaneous late night dinner date as a family.  Short a few items, I ran to the store.  As I parked my car, I noticed the SUV parked next to me.  A massive beast of a truck, my eyes ran over the rear bumper, and I noticed several stickers.  One warned the reader of touching God's anointed, the other seemed to confess their love of God, the third I think was a warning to the devil for ignoring the other two stickers.

 After purchasing what I needed, I went out to my car to find the owner of said SUV unloading their things.  On a whim, I offered to take her cart for her, because well that's what I do.  She said thank you, finished loading her things, and I took the cart.

When I returned, she thanked me again, and handed me a tract about God's love.  I confess I didn't read it.  It was on the tip of my tongue to tell her that I knew God, but something in her eyes told me she wasn't interested.  So, I politely accepted and gave her my thanks,

As I drove home, the irony was smacking.

She loudly professed her faith, both through the literature and the stickers.

I chose not to speak mine, but only show it.  Granted in a very small way, but just the same, I want my actions to speak louder than my words.

Down the road, an earth mover pushed dirt in what was going to be a church parking lot.  For what it's worth, the church has been in construction for years.  My heart felt a tug as i imagined the parishioners scraping, saving their money as their pastor told them a new home was needed.  Only put your trust in God a little more, and we may actually finish the building.

For me, that is where Christianity and mainstream religion has gone completely off the reservation.

It's like putting the cart before the horse.

It's become about Sunday specials, about the lessons we teach or the products we sell.  Somehow, we've found it necessary to have church buildings, choirs, and Sunday school?  Why?  None of that stuff is Biblical, yet its existence is held sacred.  No clue why.

Christians have become so engrossed in politics, they forget about God. They've based and poke fun of LGBTQ and every other belief/lifestyle/choice that they don't agree with, it's almost like we live in the time of the Holy Crusades.

I've sat through services where, when giving is low, the pastor practically begs his congregation to give more.  We have full time pastors who "dedicate" themselves to ministry, without working, but are forced to beg for increased tithing to maintain the lifestyle. Attendance records are talked about like numbers at a sales meeting.  Then, they talk about furthering the cause of Christ, impressing on  audiences that God could return at any time and again, more money is needed.  In this economy, with folks losing jobs and homes left and right.

And the result? We've taught our congregations how to look, sound, and think like Christians, without showing them how to be one.  Just because it sounds and walks and talks like a duck . . . . .

Even sadder is the religious right, or left, is quick to judge the same world they live in, and yet refuse to make a difference.  They wait for the mountain to move before acting out of love for their neighbor.  You must change and accept Christ before you are worthy they say.  I've yet to find this illustrated anywhere in God's Word.  But apparently it's there . . . .maybe in Hezekiah?

And yesterday, as Susy Spiritual drove away, I was both amazed and enlightened.  This is what Christianity has come to.  A gimmick, a bumper sticker, a piece of paper.

And the world wants no part of it.  Nor should they.

The reality is, no buildings are needed.  No bus ministries, no special groups - heck i'd even through no small groups in there.  No seminaries, no special singing groups, no city on the hill mentality which seems to permeate every major Christian sect.  In fact, that is where we have gone wrong.

I'm not sure, nor am I sure how, but Christians have become afraid of the world and the changing arena they live in.  The easy answer is to retreat to a church, a building, a circle where it's safe, hold each other's hands and sing Kumbiya.

But that is not what the Bible says to do. And Christianity is paying the price as a result. So what are we to do?

Christianity has been compared to alot of things.  Jesus' comparisons stuck out to me over the years, a He calls us light and salt. If you've been involved in Christianity as long as I have, you heard this preached on. And alliterated.  And illustrated. and twisted and turned every which way.  We Christians have a way of overcomplicating things.  And there's a problem with that, because it's an extremely simply principle.  Christ even told us that God uses the simple to confound the wise.

Light and salt are completely inanimate objects.  They do not speak, do not make a sound, but their very existence affects a change. They don't stand on a street corner and judge the world for its wrongdoing.  Not its job. They don't stand behind a pulpit as the organ plays, begging for decisions.  Again not its job. It doesn't put bumper stickers or tracts in your face.  It doesn't talk about what you wear, or drink, or do.

It just exists and changes the world it's placed in.  Put salt on a wound and it impacts the area that it's in.  It doesn't preach to the wound, it treats the wound, cleans it by it's very existence.  The light doesn't tell the darkness it's coming, it is just there.  Their very existence and only their existence, brings change.  So what if we focused on that?

What if we lived every day with love, and allowed God to be the only judge?  What if we passionately loved our families and cared for our neighbors, letting our actions tell the story? What if we stopped telling people we were Christians?  Would they notice by the way our lives our lived? What happened if we loved our families like we were supposed to- wouldn't that be testimony in and of itself?

(i hear the religious right grumbling - that's because they must "do" something).  Let me you in on a little secret - God doesn't need any of us to do his work.  None.  He doesn't need church buildings, or beautiful choir robes or special offerings.  He doesn't need school buses or colleges, or special schools to show his grace and love.  He needs none of it.

[Sad part is, you know this.  You teach it, you hit people the head telling your congregations God doesn't need them.  So let me get this right - he only needs you to tell them? The hypocrisy is smacking.]

What he does want us to do is to actually love those around us, like he did.  He of all people could have harshly judged the prostitute, the beggar, the robber, the most vile of society.  But he didn't - he loved them. And so should you. and that's all you should be doing.  Go ahead, I'll wait. Just let that sink in.

You see, it's true.  He'd rather you be sincere and loving. and caring, and by your love for others, effecting a change.  And Lord knows we need as much of that as we can.  There's enough destruction Christianity has done.  Pastor running off with the deacon's wife.   Embezzling, swindling, betrayal, judging - it's all there in the church

But the living part - well, I've seen more of that outside of the church then in it. Which is completely sad.  It seems those that live the faith you won't see in church on a Sunday morning.  They've seen enough hypocrisy for a life time. And to be honest, so have I.

But in the off chance you do want something new, consider this.

What if you chose to live the life instead of talk about it?  Not a word unless you're pressed.  Yes, Peter tells us to be ready.  Yet you seem to take creative license and judge everyone around you.  Not always with your words, but if looks could kill . . . .

But maybe, just maybe if you just live it.  Well, maybe then you'll see the changes you so desperately hope for.  And who knows?  You might actually enjoy the life God has given you.

So go ahead, why not give it a try?

Land of the Free

I'm writing this post, in part, as a response of what we have seen in America these last few weeks.

Whether you realize it or not, there is much racial unrest in the country right now.  And many fear for the future of America.

The reality is that racism, whether blatant or hidden,  has been prevalent for years in America.  Whether it was the Irish who came to our shore in the early twentieth ceuntry, or the massive droves of slaves stolen from their homes and shipped thousand of miles away, some form of racial tension has always been present.   Currently there are several multiracial tensions before our collective eyes, including both the black and Hispanic community.

This is a hard fact for many Americans to accept.  Many want to pretend that there isn't unrest here in the good ole USA. I mean after all we are America.  We are the greatest country in the world, masters of our domain and rulers over all we see.  When a country needs help, we send troops or aid because we are "America" and we are "awesome."  When the Olympics come every four years, some of our athletes thump their chests while proudly wearing the flag as a cape, seemingly portraying visions of a superhero.

The harsh reality is that American is not as great as some would like to think.  Children are killing each other; both physical and sexual abuse occur daily within our golden shores.  Many have lost the respect for authority, in part fueled by years of misappropration of funds and policital corrutpion.  May will say we are the greatest in the world, but if the reality of death that currently surrounds us raises too many challenges to our greatest for it to be true.

For several years know, I've followed several topics, including immigration.  Thanks to social media, WITHOUT FAIL, every time an article is posted, questioning what is to be done with those here, both legally and illegally, entitled White America reels their collective head.  Whether it's the image of a young many burning an American flag, or an oped on the Hispanic community, their "patriotic sentiments" come spewing forth.  I am both constantly amazed and embarassed at the hate portrayed in their speech.  They denounce the homosexual and berate him for his sexuality, using vitriolic words to support their "love" of America.  They berate the illegal alien, who is hear working to prevent their family from dying of starvation, calling them names and telling them they do not belong in "their" house.  They make fun of the Asian liquor store owner, or the 7-11 clerk whose skin color and speech are different than yours.

Sometime time ago, I was talking with a co-worker.  He was, or I should say is, from the US, who professed his love of America and the Seattle Mariners.  He would comment, quietly of course, that he didn't like black people, and that people with tattoos were not to be trusted.  I listened to him because, well I had to as he was a supervisor until one dayI just couldn't take it anymore.

In front of me, I saw in part what is wrong with our country.  The hate, the prejudice,the old school mentality.  Refusing to accept things for what their current state, always wishing we could go back to the better days.  When America was so white that even our apple pie tasted better.  I had heard this long enough and finally had had my fill.  I looked him squarely in the eyes, and with the calmes of tones said.

"The white America you think you knew does not exist anymore."

And furthermore, it never did.

The history of early U.S. exploration is well documented all across the land.  Early explorers in hope of new lands free from religious persecution, brought hope aas well as sickness from Eurpoe as they arrived in the new land.  Over time they kicked out the then inhabitants of the land, and forced them to live in groups.  They escaped religious persecution only to institute racial prejudice in favor of a better tomorrow.

But your average red white and blue American chooses to ignore that.  Rather they prefer to thump their chest, proudly proclaiming to be part of great America.  They bash the media, they bash liberalism and anything that challenges their point of view.  If you don't agree, then leave their country because the USA is not the place for you.

Such bigotry was not the intent of the founding fathers that White America so proudly supports.  George Washington said in a letter to a Hebrew congregation, "The citizens of the United States of America have the right to applaud themselves for having given to mankind examples of an enlarged and liberal policy worthy of imitation. All possess alike liberty of conscience and communities of citizenship. It is now no more that toleration is spoken of as if it were by the indulgence of one class of citizens that another enjoyed the exercise of their inherent natural rights, for happily the Government of the United States, which gives to bigotry no sanction, to persecution no assistance, requires only that they who live under its protection should demean themselves as good citizens in giving it on all occasions their effectual support." Entitled White America - even the father of our country denounces your ways.

An even greater offense, however, is the degradation of human sacrifice made by the members of our military.  Whether white or black, or yellow or red, straight or not, if you live in America - someone died for you to live freely today.  Free to live in a nation absent of prejudice, hate, or fear.  They died for their American, and their America is supposed to be great.

When you choose to be hateful, to be prejudice, to promote an elitist American mindset, you do the greatest of disservice to our brothers and sisters who died so that we may live.  When you refuse to recognize the brokenness of our current immigration system, you belittle their sacrifice.  Shame on you. I'm sure they were very proud of the colors of their country.  And I'm not talking about the red, white and blue.  I'm talking about red, yellow, black, and brown.

Upon the eve of election, I am saddened.  We are in a sorry state of affairs.  The choices for presidential candidates presented before us would be humorous if it all wasn't so tragic.  Yet the reality is,  no matter how many promises are made, the form of our government prevents one man or woman from changing so much.

And our government is at a gridlock because many Americans struggle with their national identity.  So many have yet to accept the truth as they go to the store and are in a restaurant with their friends.  As they drive along the highway, or stop to see our national landmarks, there is one prevalent truth:

White America does not exist. 

And it never has.

The Fight

A friend of mine made a comment on my FB wall about a year ago with the phrase "Do it." Little did I know that not only did my current project mean a lot to me,but it motivated others around me. The reason I want to write today is to motivate you. That this world isn't as small or as big as it feels sometimes. And you and I are more important than we realize.

My blog is well documented that I lost my job six months ago.  This past December I spent travelling and January passed- no job. Then February came and went, then March and April and still no job.  Depression set in, unlike I'd ever felt before.  I felt that God had abandoned me, that I'd failed my family somehow.  Or worse, I thought that maybe I wasn't that good, or that smart, or that valuable.

It wasn't only until recently did I realize I was in the midst of something.  To be honest, I don't what to call it.  Some would say a battle, others a test, maybe even doing something great. I don't know. The truth is, I'm not that smart and I can't define it for you. In fact, I couldn't have even put this experience into words until yesterday when I came across this video. (you can find the video here)

Many of you know that I'm a man of deep faith.  So when I see or hear motivational videos, I think they're okay, but I don't like to get too worked up about them.  I've found in my own personal life that getting excited and motivated about something is great, but I really don't "do" anything.  Sure the rush of the excitement of those emotions are great, but I want something more, you know?

I was in the midst of a fight.  I could relate to being knocked down.  I've never been "out", never will be because God will always take care of me.  But I was at a turning point. Would I fight, or stay on the mat?

I've received quite a few rejection emails since I started applying for jobs. I've even thought of taping them to my office wall to serve as motivation.  I've received so many that I began to take it personal.  But then I heard this video and realized that maybe it's time to fight.  So I put my gloves on . . .

Maybe that's where you are at.  Maybe you're like me, not even realizing you've been knocked down, unable to hear the count out.  Maybe you're head is swimming and it's all you can do to keep your sanity.  Don't worry, I've been there too. And I promise you.  If you put your trust in God, he'll never fail you.  It'll get tough sometimes, but you're like a diamond.  He's using those tough times to cut off the rough edges and make you to be the man/woman he wants you to be - and that you want to be.

For me I found my "why".  Four hours and six libraries later, I stepped in the fight and am coming out swinging.  Ring the bell . . . .

The realization of a dream

A couple of years after I graduated from college, Good Will Hunting hit the streets.  If you haven't seen the movie, I encourage you to go to Netflix and watch it.  It's a movie that's always meant a lot to me and has great acting to boot. It's a little hard to watch now, realizing the end that Robin Williams came to.  He was such a brilliant actor.  Any of us that had the pleasure of watching him saw his genius through his ability to make us laugh and to make us feel. 

The thing I appreciated most about this film was how well I could relate to Matt Damon's character, Will.  While I only briefly stayed in a foster home, and even though I was never the subject to knives and cigarettes, the abuse I endured was just as real, and just as hard to overcome.  I understood exactly how his character felt when Robin William's asked him what his passions were and he was unable to answer (clip here). I was just as clueless as Matt's character was.  I had no idea what I wanted to do, because, like Will, I spent my time surviving the hell that I had been living in.

I've always referred to this mode as the "survivor mode". If there's anything I've learned, is that not all abuse is physical and even worse, not all of it is visible to the naked eye.  So we don't always see what the person is struggling with. And for the victim, it is an all consuming nightmare. For me that meant I couldn't see past the hurt and the pain to even consider what my likes or my passions were.  I only knew how to endure the pain, to survive.  I couldn't even begin to help myself on overcoming it.

Problem is, no one in my life how to handle it either.  Back then, it seemed that no one was equipped to handle verbal abuse or emotional trauma.  In order to do so, we had to accept that it existed, that it was real.  We also had to accept that it happened in a Christian setting, which many were unwilling to do.  PTSD had just been discovered, yet it seemed that churches thought that PTSD wasn't real, that such problems could be solved through verses or corporal punishment.  At least it seemed that way to me, and I had the bruises to prove it.

That's why movies like GWH were so important to me, because they gave me hope.  Hope that in time and with healing that I would find that "special one" with whom I could share life.  One that would accept every part of me, including the hard road I'd walked.  The movie also gave me inspiration that eventually one day, I could have the chance to do what I liked to do, rather than having others think for me.  That I wouldn't have to simply survive; that I could live life to its fullest, just like we were all meant to do.

It's been a long hard journey.  I'm excited to tell you thought that I did get the girl, eventually.  But just as important, I've found it what it was I was made to do.  Forgive the length of the blog, but it's been such a long journey, and there's a bit more to say . . .  Here's the story.

When I graduated from college in 1995, I was clueless, just like Will.  I thought I could do just about anything, but had no idea what "it" was.  So for lack of any other direction, I listened and followed the advice of others.  Of course I didn't see it that way at the time and I thought that I would be happy.  I'd eventually move to NC to take a teaching position, only to have the administrator who had hired me lose his position within weeks and ultimately I'd lose mine that same summer. 

Needing a job, I enlisted at a local temp agency and within days found myself working for an attorney by the name of Jerry.  I still remember it like yesterday. His secretary, Kay, was on vacation and would I fill in for her?  Jerry was a great guy.  We'd eat catfish, talk about the law and I fell in love with the profession. I did all kinds of work and loved every minute of it.  I still remember our conversations, and was in awe of the work he did.

It was only a week's assignment, but we stayed in contact that summer, until I moved to Ohio for a teaching position.  After all, that's what I had majored in, what I'd been told I was good at and what I'd majored in.  What else could I do?  So I said my goodbyes, packed my Carolina blue Taurus and drove to Cincinnati.

I tried the teaching next couple of years , but I didn't enjoy it. So I danced with the legal profession again, this time in the Government Affairs realm.  It took me about a year to realize I wasn't qualified and needed more training.  The problem at that time was I was 25 years old and broke.  Even if I'd wanted to go back to school (which I didn't), I couldn't afford it and felt hopelessly lost. I began to wander aimlessly in my career path, listening to others' ideas and opinions about what I should do.  I didn't know how to do it any differently.

To sum up those twenty years, it took a lot of healing and some painful growth to see what I was doing wrong.  It took time to heal the past and learn what I liked, what my passions were.   And I had help along the way.  Some folks were instrumental in the healing process, of helping me to overcome the past and to listen to my heart.  Others gave me the tools that I'd need to find my way, to learn who I was and what I was created to be.  It was a fruitful journey and as I find myself at this crossroads, I pause to look back with an extremely grateful heart.

The last six months of being unemployed have been hard. I've had to relearn some things, and made some hard decisions.  I've not yet gone hungry and had a roof over my head to boot. But while the journey has been hard, seeing this dream accomplished in my life has made me realize that I would do it all over again.  Yes you read that correctly - every bit of it.  I'd lose my job, feel hopeless, be angry and feel depressed again -  if it meant being here.

I realize this is all part of the journey  - in fact, I see it as the beginning of a new path, a new adventure and the place where' I'm currently supposed to be.  And I am so excited!  If all works well, I'll start on my paralegal certificate early this summer and hopefully land a job soon thereafter.  Right where I want to be, back in the law office.

So to Jerry and Laura and Robbie (and the many others), I say thank you - from the bottom of my heart.  Without you all, this would have never been possible.  Thank you for the fulfillment of a dream.

 

Rest Stop

Buckeye Lake Rest Stop

This, dear reader, is going to be a quick one. I've got a job interview in about an hour via Skype, and so I've got to get ready for that.

For being unemployed, life is  really busy.  Figuring out how to pay bills, helping the wife babysit and overall housework keeps me constantly moving. Fortunately I've settled into somewhat of a routine.  Get a chance in the morning to read thanks to the folks over at Bible Gateway.  Playing catch up really, got a couple of weeks behind.  And the fact i was in Numbers/Deuteronomy probably didn't motivate me as much as I would like.

But now I'm off and in Judges and I Samuel.  That's just some great reading there.  David's Friendship with Jonathan, Saul hates him and wants to kill him.  The priests sons dishonoring them and dying by fire.  Almost sounds like Game of Thrones.  Unfortunately, though, not as popular.

But that's not what today is about.  I thought I'd bring you a break, like the one I experienced.  Here I was plugging away at the finances, trying to make sure all the bills were covered (success, thank you God).  Zoning in with my Bose headphones.

And I just had to stop and soak in the moment.  And in the middle of the 4 million things you'll accomplish (or at least maybe try), I encourage you to do the same.

(Video)

This video represents to me the ultimate form of worship.  Forget about the worshipers, the stage, and just soak it in.  His presence.  Of course you can't see it, but you must feel it.  Feel it permeate your heart, and deep into your soul.

Allow it to rejuvenate those tired bones, and relax your overwhelmed mind.  Take a moment's pause from all that troubles you, and rest.

You are in a battle, you know.  Sad part is we all (including myself) lose sight of that fact, and wonder at the end of the day why we feel. so. tired.

So go ahead, take a break - a spiritual rest stop if you will.  Regardless of your current situation, or preoccupation you are currently in the presence of God Almighty. Close your eyes, raise your hands to the sky and drink it all on.  Let it wash away your worries, your fears, and all the unknowns that trouble you, dear friend.

Because while this praise is all for Him, the blessings received from His goodness and grace are ours to receive.

And remember that no matter what you face today, this life is just a temporary movement in the midst of an eternal song.

Walk a mile in their shoes

That statement is so true.

A few years ago, a highly qualified employee was let go.  She had her moments of course, but as a fellow employee, my heart went out to her when I'd learned she had lost her job.  Her ex husband was my locksmith, and whenever he came out to do work, I'd ask how she was doing.  Three months passed, then four, and still she had no work.  I remember thinking she was being too over selective in her prospects.  Finally, at about the six month mark, he informed me she'd found work.

I thought about her today as I sat in the unemployment office.  And as I reflected on my current state of affairs, I couldn't help but laugh at myself.  How quick I'd been to criticize.  And yet here I was, coming upon the five month mark, walking the very same road she did - on food stamps, collecting unemployment, with a very tough job market ahead of me. 

Nowadays, I'm slow to speak, and ever slower to judge.  I'm still a work in progress.  And one thing I've learned these last few months is that not everyone collecting food stamps are lazy.  They are many, like me, who are searching every possible method of finding employ that meets their family's needs.  We spend hours a day at the computer, applying for job after job, with very little to no response.

Work agencies aren't what they used to be, either.  That's not necessarily their fault, it's just an indication of how much the workforce has changed over the last twenty years..  In my 20's, I'd worked for temp agencies, and never lacked for work.  Make the right impression, even on a week long assignment, and it's entirely possible something permanent developed. Nowadays, temp agencies are more concerned about getting you in the right place, "marrying" you to the right employer.  So be patient.

Here's something I didn't know.  Temp agencies will post positions on job search websites that aren't even available.  Many times I'd apply for EA jobs, but never heard back after the initial interview.  I kept hearing, "we don't have anything for you right now," which confused me considering I'd just applied for a job I knew I was qualified for.  It wasn't until a recruiter explained that these agencies were simply filling their rosters for future positions.  Knowing that took some of the sting out of the rejection.

So what's a person to do?  There are a lot of resources out there for the unemployed - even if you don't qualify to receive unemployment.  Maybe you find yourself in my shoes.  I'm 40ish, married with 3 kids.  I'm a jack of all trades, master of none, which can be a negative when looking for a job.  Why?  Because you don't have that ONE thing career wise that people look for. 

If you find yourself recently unemployed and searching, here's some things that might help

1.  Unemployment office.  They'll ensure if you're entitled to receive benefits that you do receive them.  Even if you're not, they will help you through the transition and advise you of all the resources at your disposal -  for no charge.
2.  Go to your local workforce center (THIS IS AN UNDERUSED TOOL).  Mine had a couple of folks who were willing to work with me.  I am pursuing a career change, and might have a way of paying for it now, even though I'm unemployed.  There's a lot of state assistance out there. Don't be afraid to use it. My guess is your tax dollars have more than paid for it already :)

Maybe you're like me and you don't know what you like to do.  Here's a couple of tools that will help you find your way.

1. http://traitmarker.com/signup - one of the best tests I've taken.  It's not a standard personality test.  Gave me a lot of direction in helping me determine my new career path.  It's only $29.99 and comes with a free ebook. For me, this test was a CRITICAL first step in determining what I was put on this earth to do. I HIGHLY recommend it

2. www.careerinfornet.org/skills - helps you determine your job skills are.  if it was me, take the traitmarker first, then this one.  There's no charge associated with this one.

3. www.mynextmove.org - for those just entering the labor market

It takes work, as well as a LOT of courage to do what you want to do.  If you're patient enough, and have the support at home, you'll get where you need to go.  While I've not arrived at my destination, it's a lot more comforting to know what I like to do.  Don't be discouraged - you can get there too :)

Only time will tell

I love being married.  It's been everything and nothing like I'd thought it would be.  Companionship alone is such a hard experiment sometimes.  Two people with completely different sides, yet so much alike, living under one roof.  Total chaos.

One of the unexpected side benefits is when your partner sees things in you that you can't.  At first it can be annoying, or easily dismissed.  Great part about it is you're forced to take a step back and reexamine yourself.  Can I really be that much of a jerk?

The answer today was yes.  Without even realizing it, I'd was told I was a bear on the rampage.  Now granted, if you're Hispanic, you don't use those terms.  But through the translation, the message was clear - something was bothering me and I needed to figure it out.

It's been almost five months since I lost my job.  The challenges I've recently faced are brand new to me, and I don't always realize how much of an impact it has.  I've applied, interview, applied, researched, taken personality tests, and applied again, only to face a constant stream of rejection.  Overqualified, make too much money, not exactly what we're looking for - you get the picture.

Today it came to a helm.  I'm sure you've been there - someone cuts you off, you get mad.  Fortunately things didn't get out of hand.  But it stopped me cold - something was wrong, and now even I could see it.  So I came home, apologized to my wife for what it seems the 11 millionth time, and said a quick prayer to God, begging him to fix this mess in my life.

I wish I could tell you what exactly is wrong.  I can't, but man I FEEL off.  I've slowed down, remove some time wasters and created new habits.  I began walking in the morning (2 days straight so far, so yeah I just started).  Eating a little healthier, cut out soda, and even decided on a new career.

There's a flip side to that you now.  Judgment day is coming.  Pretty soon the cushion I had will fall away and the reality of unemployment will sit in.  Well even more so now than before.  How can I apply for so many jobs and experience so little response.

It's all a man can do to stay sane.

The Next Big Thing

"A mind is a terrible thing to waste." (Arthur Fletcher)

A friend of mine's father once told him that if he was to have a vice, to only have one.  More than that, and a man becomes overwhelmed and lost.

Sometimes passions can become vices.  There are those we can curtail, such as eating.  Sure we still enjoy them, but not to excess. 

Others start out as a simple enjoyment.  The more we enjoy, the more time we spend.  Minutes become hours, and hours become days (collectively speaking of course).  One day, we turn around and part of our life has passed nor where the time went.

Yesterday I said goodbye to one of those vices myself.

I've been an avid gamer for years.  Grown up on computers since my teens, been drawn to them ever since.  I remember the first time I played an MMPORG, I had no idea what they were or how Massive the "M" in that abbreviation was.  After starting to play, I realized that I wasn't going to beat this game any time soon.

So I created another character, and then another.  I studied, rebuilt my game, and studied some more. I become well versed in the game, and combined with my ability to teach/train, began showing others the ins and outs.  I made thousands of pieces of gold, only to give it away.

Now, it's five years later.  I've spent hours/days enjoying this past time.  I'm by no means the best at my class, but it was fun. I was constantly learning, and enjoying it. 

But then, a reality began to set in.  I wasn't reading as much as I used to.  Books were bought and placed on my shelf, without even a second glance.  As I stood in the library yesterday, I realized what I'd become - someone who collects books instead of reading them.

Whoa.

I've done my best to accept eBooks.  But I can't.  Maybe I'm too old, maybe it's the journey of the book in the hands of multiple owners, maybe it's the smells that such books have.  I will always love books because of where they take you.  They push and shove against the walls of your imagination, to new thrilling heights  They challenge you and motivate you as you turn each page, and comfort you in the midst of a crazy, crazy world.

In the land of Azeroth, though, I'd lost that.  Sure I'd grown, I'd learned a little; but when compared to what I had lost, there was no contest. And I've always known that I want something more.

For me personally, when I leave something like this, I don't do stages.  The temptation to go back would be too great.  So I quit cold turkey.  It surprised me a bit, I guess.  5 years of work gone in a matter of a few minutes.  But it had to be done.  Better yet-I wanted to do it!

As with any habit though, I've got to fill it with something good.  Like writing in this blog for instance :)  If I don't, that hole will sit there, begging to be filled.  I'll be tempted to go back to Stormwind, and that is a road I no longer wish to travel.

The rain has started to fall again

After I lost my job, one of the things I treated myself to was a pair of noise cancelling headphones.  While they don't totally block out the sound of my child screaming (out of pure joy), when paired with the calming sounds of rain, it blocks out most noise, allowing me to write in this small basement apartment.

For being unemployed, time passes just as fast as it did when I was working.  Without a second thought, seconds become minutes become hours become days.  The job search has been much harder and taken longer than I thought.  Nearly broke my heart today telling my sister-in-law that after ten years, the well has run dry.  TBH, I pray that I can find a job just so they don't have to go hungry.

In he area where I live, most jobs have over 100 individuals that apply for each job.  The exact number I'm unsure of because the LinkedIn counter stops at 99+.  I've never experienced anything like this before.  I've had several firsts - first time I've had to apply for unemployment, first time I couldn't pay a bill.    Now I find myself applying for WIC, and it's absolutely mind-blowing to me.

Realistically, though, life could be much worse.  I could have cancer.  I could be on Death Row, or I could have a horrible family.  I could have no hope, no promise of tomorrow.  I could be like the young lady I saw in the store day, walking on prosthetics, or the man who lives in another country in poverty, depending daily on his food supply.

I've not written too much these last few months because they're not been much to say.  I do all I can to be positive and to have faith that "all works together for good."  And while there are some positive days, there's also the negative ones, the hard ones.  But I've been blessed - I have the right friends there when I need them, some who help without even knowing it.

The night is winding down.  Today looked liked spring, but doesn't feel like it, well not yet at least.  So I take a moment, put on my headphones, and listen as the rain falls again. 

A Constant Refrain

Well hello, February.  And goodbye.

Another month disappears like the vapor from a tea kettle.

And still no work to be found.

How is that possible?  I know I have the abilities, but the means escape me.

I've never fought so hard to make a living.

I've lost count of the amount of applications I've filled out, or the number of potential employers who have received my resume.

How could so much work result in so little response?

I've often thought that maybe it's something I have done, or forgotten to do.  A man of so many talents spread out over several areas with nothing that really does stand out.

I prayed and cried out; and like David, feel as if my cries fall on deaf ears.  Even though I know it's not true.

Despair creeps in like a sickness.  Tempers flare, and frustration becomes a constant battle, something that must be controlled.  Yet love always sees to win.  Hugs abound.  "I'm sorry" a constant refrain.

Money is slowly disappearing.  Soon there will be none left.  How will I provide?

"Trust Him", they say.  "It will come."  George Mueller often comes to mind.

It's an easy thing to teach principles of belief and faith.  I promise you, though, it is an entirely different thing to live it.

And for now, live it I must.

The Day Before

(An Older Post I never published.  Please forgive the chronological break).


So today was Kindergarten Orientation.  A day for your child and for you the parent to get to know your teacher and their school.  To get to know the program that is going to help you raise your child over the ensuing years . . . .

Overall it was a good experience.  The school, staff, teacher, everything - is great.  I can see though how hard it's going to be for Stephanie initially, which makes it harder for us her parents.  Even though she's had to learn two languages, Steph does a great job of communicating what she feels.  Like today, when she tells me how much she's going to miss me when she goes to school. Regardless of how much I console her, there's no changing that feeling for either one of us.

As I sat in the auditorium and heard all the names being read, I realized something.  My kid will not lack for cultural influence.  My heart went out to some of the newer teachers as they bravely fought through the names as they read the class lists.  I'm guessing compared to some, Stephanie is an easier name :)  But regardless of the culture or race, every parent was equally invested in their children.  It was amusing to see some of the fathers pointing out things, they'd like differently and remembered my father doing the same.

I'm excited to see how Steph will respond.  Right now, of course, she's nervous and shy, which I figured would happen.  While we've done what we could with our work schedules and what not, I've felt there's always been a small shortage of social interaction for her.  Cool thing though, is she has her mother's toughness and her pride, so the future simply waits for her and, as with any child, her opportunities are limitless.

As I began to get her supplies ready for tomorrow, my mind floated back to a similar experience 35 some years ago, to when I was a kid.  One of the few things I can remember about that time, is I was nervous too and felt so alone.  Not having the support at home made things that much harder.  I didn't know it at the time, but it makes life hard when there is a lack of unconditional love in the home.

Mary and I have worked very hard to ensure Stephy has grown in an environment where she is loved.  I can't wait to begin this journey with her . . . . .

An Autumn's Tale

Hello readers - well okay, all 2 of you: )  It's been quite a while since I've written.  The reality is, I've not had much to say, been enjoying life really.  Enjoying the first days of school for Stephanie, learning the ropes. Every time I get home, first words out of Stephy's mouth are "Can we do my homework now?"  Bless her heart, not her fault she doesn't know Daddy needs just a few moments to collect himself before hurtling into another project.  Totally didn't see that coming.  But I love it!

Everyone is working, separately but together, and we're all still adjusting to each other a little.  But it's worked out far better than I could've have ever imagined.  Wife is now working in the mornings and off at nigh, and life just got better.  So instead of blogging about life, I've been living it.  Well, okay, if you're really wanting an answer for my absence- Wordpress is to fault, really.  Tried moving the blogs there, but just couldn't get used to the feel or the look.  So I moved back to Blogger and here I'll stay.

It's not to say that the last few months have been completely easy. This past summer, I learned that our company was acquired by another.  Being a completely nostalgic noob, these last few months have been quite hard.  I've seen a company I've worked at and enjoyed thoroughly for the last eight years die a slow death.  People I'd worked along side of, argued with and even battled a little, respected and loved, disappear one by one.

And I hate it.  Being the company that is purchased is hard. Many corners, many rooms hold a significant amount of memories - I find myself pausing and reflecting alot lately .  Sure, I still come in and do the work, just like I've done these last eight years.  But it's at times like these that such memories ware heavy on my heart.

I remember the personal victories I've had here and the lessons learned.  I recall those who've moved on who have invested in me, and of course I'm grateful.  If I'm honest, though, I'm a little bitter and I'm working on it slowly.  I didn't ask for these changes, I was more than content enough for life to continue as it was.  So why do i have to find myself another job - now?  Crap.

I'll miss talking to the guys/girls in the morning, or reading the comics.  I'll miss playing the Christmas songs in our office, the laughing in the midst of the constant ebb and flow of work.  The smell of Keurig coffee coming around the corner, and the constant banter from now departed employees. Sigh. Change sucks.  I really hope though I can find a company that was as much fun.

But I am grateful, you know.  Grateful for all the good I have, including this job :)  Grateful for the memories, for the growth in my life.  Grateful for the opportunity to invest in others, and be invested in.  Grateful for all the opportunities I've received - and there were many.  Grateful for it all.

Not sure how to end this - there's no phrase that effectively sums up how I feel.  My heart is pretty heavy, and I'm sorry that this is a little dreary.  So rather than coming up with something clever, I'll just end it - for now.