If I had to do it over again

So it's a quiet night.  Wife and the little one are out with some friends, and I just back from watching Skyfall.  Babygirl has started to sing and anyone that truly knows me know that my music tastes are completely eclectic. Be interesting where she goes with hers. God knows I'm showing her all kinds.

Once I was able to get out from the dark shadows known as my childhood, I really developed a passion for music. Not a like, nor a love.  It is a passion - a neverending always burning desire that saturates my very being.  You see I just don't hear music, I feel it.  As Nicholas' character said in a Few Good Men, i feel it "down in deep dark places where no one likes to talk about it." 

One of the groups I have come to love is DMB (Dave Matthews Band).  And while their stuff from the 2000's is okay, I've really come to love some of their older stuff.  When they'd just jam.  Funny thing is I remember when they were big, and I couldn't stand them - go figure.  Yeah i'm late getting on that train.  LOL.

Anyway everytime I hear them I can't help think of JID.  He's an old roommate from back in the day, and one i seriously undervalued at the time.  I've hesitated to blog about this.  I was afraid, and still am so, over "over romantizing" (if that's even a word) that time period of my life.  Looking back on it, wow, I' just wish i'd embraced it much more.  But i supposed it's easier to say that once you've find the love of your life.  Back then i was just hoping to get a date, let alone laid.

But i was still finding my way and I regret that i didn't appreciate him more - probably is i was trying to impress him too much rather than being myself.  And as with many friendships, time, responsibility and other factors, well we've lost touch.  And it's too bad - because he was great.  I'm sure if you had asked he'd find someway to say some nice things about me.  But the truth is, I was an ass.  A pompous arrogant ass who had no clue how ignorant i really was. Funny thing is, i thought i was doing the right thing.  Why is it we finally get it right after they're gone?

Today life is much more normal than it was back then.  After some serious counseling, i finally pulled through.  Now I'm married, with a great home.  And i love my life.  Yet i find myself from time to time (such as tonight) reflecting on those days.  Remembering the nights watching DMB's older concerts and wondering what the hell he saw in them.  Or his discussions on Kerouac or modern day Christianity.

You see, JID was just cool.  To me he was one of my true friends.  He saw me at some tough times and at hard as it must have been, encouraged me and always gave me another perspective with a kind word rather than a judgmental glance.  I realized life was a lot bigger than my fears and the biggest regret is that i didn't see it sooner so that i could have enjoyed his friendship more. I learned alot from him.

As she always does, time encourages us to move on.  When the cool rolls in at evening time, I think of those nights in front of the wood stove swapping ideas - trying to see how how i could make the stove :)  An intellectual conversation with him was like eating at the proverbial mental buffet.  Just awesome and refreshing.  Yeah i know, i'm sure that english reference is completely wrong :)

So Jid, wherever you are man - thanks.  I truly am indebted to you.   

Summer Fun

(Editor's Note:  So if you can't tell yet, I haven't really decided what direction to take this blog.  And i guess i'm in no hurry to find out :)  I've been itching to write for some time and well, now, I'm here so let's get a crackin'!)

I know it's August and the last post I made was sometime in the spring.  It's not that I've been intentionally ignoring anyone, simply been very busy.  My wife and I made a decision that we were going to ease back a little and enjoy the summer.  We wanted to take more time off and go places.  And while it hasn't worked out so far like we'd have liked it to, we were able to get away to Ocean City, MD for a while and take in the sites.  And it was worth every penny.

The house is  in the process of being sold and we've since moved out into an apartment (nice one to be sure) on the 3rd floor.  Talking about huffing and puffing on the day of the move out.  95 degree weather almost 100%humidity, I was hurting.  Finally after 3 days (we took our time) everything was there and the old house was cleaned up.  To be honest though, I wasn't prepared for what happened next.

It was the adjustment period.  I mean, I knew it would take some time adjusting but it was hard.  Hard to leave the house where steph was born, where Fernando got his first laptop; the memories, the fights, the moments of Stephanie's firsts - all of it we had to leave.  Leaving a one floor 3 bedroom house to go to a 2nd floor apartment with 2 bedrooms.  I think it was hard for everyone - stress, well there was plenty of that.  Home created as well as work created.

But now, things have calmed down.  We've gotten back into the swing of the things, but it's amazing the difference an apartment complex brings.  Playground equipment, pool - let's just say Steph is spoiled.

Update later.

I love you

I see your picture and it breaks my heart.  Such beauty in a poignant moment - a smile that only parents could love.  And here, on your special day, we are so very far.  The sadness pulls at my heart 3,000 miles away.  Because I love you.

I know we don't necessarily share the same blood.  But it does not nor has it ever mattered.  Because you are my child, my daughter, and I love you.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of you, pray for you, long to be with you.  To show you our world, to worship the Father together, and to bask in His presence. To be together as a family, so you can see your younger sister grow up.  That you may share with us in our joy.  To watch you grow and make friends, and become the woman that God wants you to be.  To see your smile and hear your laughter.  To cook with you just like we did.  And selfishly, so that this pain may go away.

And I know you struggle too.  To understand why God has allowed this.  To push aside the hurt of a family separated, but i implore you to do so.  Such a young woman, forced to be in the position you have been and are right now.  You've done so well, and I'm very proud of you.  And while I can't always explain why these things happen, I want you to know that I ache for you, that I long to be with you and my heart beats for you.

Your mother and I haven't forgotten you - rather with each passing hour and each long minute we wait for you, and pray for you.  Hoping the day comes soon when we can be together.

Why? (quick rant)

Why is that some of my best blog ideas come at times when there's NO way to write about them.  Bouncing around in Chocolate World yesterday with the wife and baby and had a couple of ideas hit me that really inspired me.  I got carried away with them in my mind, imagining what I'd write and what I'd say and then *Poof* they're gone.  What were they about? No clue.  Inspired, oh yes.  Sigh - would love to get around that obstacle . . .

So annoying.  Especially when (like now) I'd love for some of that inspiration to come and hit me right now . . . Grrrr.

Okay I'm done.

Art

I remember the first fime i felt being drawn to art.  I was in my mid 20's, cleaning out the basement of the house where i was renting.  I had moved to the area in 96, and the job which had relocated me found me some "temporary" housing in a basement apartment of a large home.  The landlady was always extremely nice and it was quiet.    In all my life, I'd never known such stability, such quiet and peace. 

She was part of a large Italian family who quite often had get together in her home.  They would always invite me up to eat and I became very fond of her family.  Her husband made the best pasta salad, and as a young broke adult, they always made sure that I got a fair share of the leftovers.  Looking back, I realize those years spent on Queen Anne were far more important than I could have ever known.  I learned about me, both my shortcomings and my strengths.  I realized that having a loving family was a reality and not only a dream.  I discovered the type of man, father and husband I wanted to become.  I remember seeing her family and wanting to have a large family like that.  I wanted to provide a place that was warm and loving, a home where my children and their friends felt welcome, a place where they wanted to be.

She had four sons whom she loved very much.  The basement was littered with memories of times gone by.  Every toy, sweater, carpet stain, or hole in the wall had a story. One day while cleaning the garage, I came across her youngest son's art textbook which had a few paintings by Hopper.  And that's when I fell in love with art.  I can't draw, but there's just something about it which "draws" me.
Time moved on and I moved out, fell in love, married and now have 3 daughters.  About a year ago, I remembered the textbook and searched the web.  The first painting that popped out at me was this one, Automat.  Automats were an early form of independent eatery meets rest stop.  You could go in, buy food from a machine and sit down and eat  There were popular during the early 1900's and according to one author, died to the growth of suburbs and drive thru's during the 50's.

Looking at this, I'm drawn to the silence.  I wonder what she is thinking.  I was single well into my thirties, and had plenty of time to think, to much actually. Wondering if I'd ever meet that special someone, wondering if i was doing it right etc. etc.

Or better yet, maybe she's just simply getting rid of a hangover, and asking herself the question "What the hell did i just do?"

Whew!

Is it me or did the holiday season just fly by?  Didn't say hi or anything, just rushed in and outta here like an uninvited guest.  Done is the cooking, the baking, the wrapping, the christmas cards, the songs, the lights.  And it seems like every year it goes by quicker.

But there's alot of good that came out of it.  The most important thing though, I had very little to do with.

Be Still and Know.

After months, maybe even years of being away, man it sure felt great to come back home and eat.

The plan? Just do it.

The food? The open NLT is what I recommend. Sure goes down smooth and what a great reading.

The result?  Amazing. Absolutely amazing.