Light Reading

 

This is my view as of 3 am this morning :)  And to say I am enjoying it would be an understatement.

I shouldn't be here, where I am in this moment.  In fact, I believe that any Christian who understands his position, would and should feel the same.  "there by the grace of God go I."  that's what I think of in these moments.

It is His grace, and His mercy - and those items alone - that have allowed me to have all of "this."  

And I want to say that there's not a day that goes by that I don't realize it.  but that wouldn't be true. Most days, though, I do remember.  Remember who I used to be - an arrogant condescending individual who was so lost, he didn't even realize it.

I suppose that's why I relish 2 am risings.  I've found it's the best time that I can study His word.  I get to search multiple translations and immerse myself in the "treasures and the mysteries". The Holy Spirit convicts, counsels, and speaks to me through His Word. And I am so grateful that He does.

Thank you Logos for such an amazing program, that has allowed me to return to my first love.

Thank you Dr. Osborne, for the work you laid out in your commentaries.  I cannot study a New Testament passage without ensuring I have one of your commentaries. And thank you for showing me what it means to be both a scholar and servant of Christ.

(A lesson to us all - we may never know on this earth the lives we've touched. I'm just grateful.)

And most important, thank you God for saving me - from sin, from hell, and from myself.  All glory and grace goes to you, my Father, my King, my Redeemer.

Legacy

Wow, has this summer been hot! And it's only July 29th.  Still at least another month to go.

It's been a while since I've blogged.  Mostly because work, and the 2.5 hour drive a day, doesn't leave much time for else.  However, this weekend the wife went out for the night, and with the heat, most of us are indoors. Which grants me a moment to myself.

Made another trip around the sun this year, and find myself sharing, giving and serving as best as I know how.

It hit me the other day - I'm in my 50's. Don't ask me why I thought this - I suppose as we get older, we're more mindful of where we're headed. And I wondered - what will it be that triggers a memory in the mind of my family when I'm gone?  

Will it be a scent?  A song?  A favorite show perhaps? Will it be a picture, or a random Facebook memory (more likely :))

Whatever it is, I hope it'll be a great one, one that's more apt to bring a smile rather than sadness.  And that brings a prayer to God of thanks for a life well lived.

I want them to remember me as a husband/father/grandfather who loved Jesus, and who tried to Honor Him each and every day.  Who maybe had lost his way at one time or another, but in the end, lived a live fully for Him.

One who, either through his work or through his church, attempted to make an impact the best he knew how. One who was eager to share lessons learned, a listening ear, helping and serving where he could.

Someone who was extremely grateful for the life he'd be gifted, after so many years of suffering.  Who gave of us his time and his money to those in need.

In fact, I don't want them to remember me as me.  I want them to remember me that I was a child of God who lived as such.

Who, at the end of his life, only longs to hear, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."

That's want I'd like it to be . . . .

The Big Five Oh

2021.  What a year.

It's 6:27 am and I've been soaking in the sounds of shea shanties, OTR, and several other old friends.  All while sipping another old friend, coffee :)

And now we're here in 2022, with another milestone (birthday) right around the proverbial corner.

50.

I'm recovering from my second bout of COVID as I write this. I'd be okay if I never got this again.

At some point, I suppose, someone can explain to me how you can get a sickness after having the vaccine.

And while I do understand that the vaccine does reduce the symptom's havoc (I can attest to this), it doesn't make it any easier.  

But for now, I am grateful. Grateful to be alive.  Grateful that this time around there was no hospital beds, no "I can't breathe moments." And more importantly, no $10K hospital bills to contend with.

Grateful.

As I come up on the big 5-0, I've thought a lot about time.  Seems that with children and grandchildren and jobs and fun and family (whew!), it all starts to run together.  And I've found myself reflecting more, pausing, soaking it all in. Or at least trying to.

Pausing, giving God thanks because the childhood I endured has culminated in this beautiful orchestra I call today.  

Here. 

Now.

Love abounds and where love lives, so does grace.  And to be honest, I don't know that I could be any happier, or life be fuller than what it is right now.

50.

Wow.

Seeing God's goodness, I can't say I am surprised.  But you have to admit. 50 years isn't too shabby.

With those years comes lessons learned, memories made, and my fair share of regret.

But most of all, gratefulness.

Missed Opportunties

 

Sunlights in Cafeteria, 1958, Hopper

Sometimes when the house is quiet and empty, as it is just now, I am allowed a few moments of clarity.  Currently Gabriel isn't running around, slinging his sock and conquering whatever monster he has imagined.  Diana isn't voicing her opinion to whatever inanimate object she has befriended.  No Telemundo, no Youtube, no one "needs" me.  Just quiet.  Sweet, blessed quiet.

It is in these very rare moments of silence that clarity comes to me as an old friend.  A rare visitor, it is in these moments of silent reflection that I come to see what was always right in front of me. As much as I think I give her credit, I am again reminded that my wife is a genius.  Maybe I don't have any "proof" other than my own experience, but that is enough for me.

When it comes to love, there is such a thing as bad timing.  I originally thought that the word was unrequited, but after checking the definition -  that is not the right word to use. Searching an online thesaurus revealed a few words.  "Unlucky" was common, as was "off."  The romantic writer in me saw "inopportune moment" and "poor timing" and those sounded better.

Inopportune moment.  Poor timing. Sigh. And painful ones at that. Is there more seemingly insurmountable than loving someone and they not love you back?  Have you ever waited so long for something to happen, and it. just not.?  

But I digress.

Almost 15 years ago, I met someone who I came to love very much.  When I first heard her voice, she had no idea I was listening.  Such sweetness, something so "dulce", and my heart grew ten times in size.  We met after what seemed like an eternity. I cared for her and I believe she cared for me.

And while we frequently saw, called and wrote to each other, it would be eight years before we were physically close, living in the same area.  Try as you might, however, you simply cannot "know" someone without seeing them.  Human tendencies dictate we put our best foot forward, which is easy to do in a telephonic style relationship.  Oftentimes you think you are sharing, developing some level of intimacy, only to realize as you look at them that you really know very little.

On the day she moved to be near me, I was elated.  Hopes and dreams abounded as I imagined our future together.  Well for a few years at least.  Finally - all I had dreamed of, the plans we had made - it was happening!

Then reality dropped in with a loud thud!

Three months.

In just three months, she found the love of her life.  In just three months, everything changed.  And while there was some hope we could still continue our relationship, I knew at that moment, many years ago, that my life changed in a way I did not want it to.  After waiting ten years, my new "reality" was devastating. 

My friends and family were optimistic.  Give it time, they said. So I hoped and prayed. But deep down I knew better.  Her heart belonged to another.

And I was done for.

Over what would be the next few years, there were good times.  We laughed together, cried together, and even had moments where it seemed we drew closer.  But those feelings stayed on the surface, never truly growing roots.  Eventually, frustration set in.  Words exchanged, feelings hurt, and we spent much needed time apart before going past the point of no return.

In time, fences were mended. Today things are, well, amicable, Yet life doesn't work out the way we want it to.  And as much as we want to change the past, we can only live in the present and hope for the future.  God gives us that, and the quiet promise that He is in control.

It's just as they say - it's no one's fault.  She simply met the man of her dreams.  She fell in love.

And that, my friends, is that.

Tribute

 I've always admired (at least to some degree) the principle of abstract art. In my own personal 

interpretation, I believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  Blogging for me is a similar art.  We can get lost in the day to day, which I believe is a life well spent, but once in a while we as humans are touched deeper than other times, and in my case, I love to write about it.

This one of those times.

Tonight I finished the first of what will be several commentaries of an individual who God used to forever change my life.  I've spoken about Dr. Osborne in previous blog posts so for the sake of brevity, I'll not repeat them here.  Suffice it to say, God has used that one class to change my perspective of Him and the Christian walk, for which I am eternally grateful.

Before he passed away in 2018, Dr. Osborne was working on a series of commentaries.  In the link below, he talks about writing a commentary set for the layman, such as I.  And while it does not appear he finished the project as he may have set out to do, we are left with what I consider a series of masterpieces for students such as us who want a deeper knowledge of God's word without being overwhelmed by academic content.

Over the next few weeks, I will finish our study in James, which began in early May I believe.  Yes, it is a small book but when I teach a book, I like to get as much out of it as I can.  Like eating a well broiled lobster dipped in garlic butter, I love to savor each bite of the book we're studying.  While there is always more study I can do, I thoroughly enjoyed his commentary in the book of James.  It was easy to read, with church history woven through the text, yet no so much as to get lost.

I never cease to be amazed at the power of a teacher in a class.  I've watched this video several times and while I know he is in a much better place with His Savior, I can not help but wonder the scores of individuals whose minds were expanded, and thoughts introduced by his work.  I carry very fond memories of that class, and am sure there are many others who share the same.

I loved his commentary in James and am already eyeing my next purchase - practically, I think I'll go to Ephesians, but I can not wait until Revelation . . . .

https://lexhampress.com/osborne

Humbling Transformation

Multnomah Falls - 1919 postcard

I've seen quiet a few comparisons between the current Covid-19 and the Spanish flu.  Both were difficult times, both required the wearing of masks and both brought significant amounts of, well, uncertainty.

As of today, September 26th, there is no cure, no vaccine.  There are some medicines which can help treat it, but no vaccine yet, a point which will be made ad nauseum I'm sure in the upcoming November election.

But I digress.

For a couple of months, I've wanted to share what's happened to me spiritually as a result of COVID.  My previous post briefly spoke of hospital stays and sickness.  What happened next was nothing short of a miracle.

Prayers were lifted and praises echoed upon my return to home.  In fact, a spiritual revival had swept through my house in April.  It is now September, and the revival grows.  What began as a little study now has six of us who study the word, many times exegetically when not watching the next "Chosen" series episode (currently in season I, season II is almost funded).  A weekly English class has now born out of our study, first class was this past Tuesday and our current enrollment is now three :)

All I can say is that God worked a miracle in me.  He forever changed my heart to Him.  In 2018, He allowed me to see myself for who I really was, then allowed me through COVID to see what I could be in Him.  He took every selfish desire I had away, and replaced it with something better.  For years, I had (sometimes) patiently waited for the "go" signal - that moment when I knew that I can return to my studies, passionately studying his Word, and then share some of my findings with others.

I tried to do this on my own.  I knew it was my calling, and many a time I tried to force it.  Yet every one of my feeble attempts ended in failure, and eventually I gave up hope.  When God touched me, it was as a fire had been lit in my soul.

I could have never imagined it would be in Spanish though.  All I can say is that my weak attempts at Spanish is again a gift of God.  Our group is so very patient with me as I fight through newer words, and my girls graciously correct me when I mispronounce a word.

I deserve none of this to be sure, but I give my all, each day begging him to take control and work through me.  This little progress I've seen is enough to last me a lifetime of praise, yet I know there's more to come.

If you asked me how and why, I couldn't really say.  I do not have any answers other than God decided it was time.  I'd hoped for these moments all my life (His pursuit of me, not COVID), and now that they have come not only to me but to my family, I find myself eternally grateful.  I can truly say this happened in God's time, and He receives all praise.

My life is dedicated 100% to Him and forever will be.  Work has seen its challenging moments, but I truly believe God is preparing me for something.  If I'm wrong, it's fine by me.  I am happier now than I could have ever imagined and to see my family walk with me in this journey is truly mind-blowing. 

To Him, and only to Him, be praise and glory forever and ever.  

Amen.

Shalom Sabbat

Eternally Grateful

A new day.  A new blog them.  Quite apropos for a guy who loves to cook and enjoys eating almost as much.

The title?  well, two and a half weeks of being sick, one of those weeks spent in an hospital bed.  Yeah, I was worse for the wear.  Couldn't breath, could barely walk.  Still have yet to see the doctors bill, but I'll be paying that one for a while.

But who cares.

I'm alive.  And even more so, blessed, because I was able to see what some never see - the amount of people who love you and will miss you when you're gone.

My wife showed me here phone, the countless "how's Matt" questions she fielded while I lay in a hospital bed, just trying to get through the day.

I've not quite rectified the eternal question of "why me", as in why was I allowed to live while so many died.  I realize that many have their opinions on this sickness.

having experienced it first hand, let me tell you - it's every bit as powerful an fatal as they say.  It's not a political play, it's not a platform or exaggeration of the media.

It is very real, very painful, and very deadly.

Wash your hands, cover your face and be smart.

Many before us have had everything stripped away because they thought it wasn't real.

It is.

I'm one of the lucky ones.  I didn't have to die to see how many folks love me, how many prayed as I laid in that hospital.

I've been grateful for the life and love God has given me.  Today, even more so.

Glad to be back.  Grateful to have another day to live, to love and to laugh.

Eternally grateful . . . 

HE

HE


 he wants to destroy me; HE chose to save me

 he hates everything I represent; HE loves me in spite of all I was and am

 he attempts to hinder my path; HE provides His word as a lamp to my feet

 he constantly reminds me of my past mistakes; HE forgave my sin once and for all

 he seeks to rob me of my joy; HE provides joy in abundance

 he is full of hate and spite; HE is LOVE

Full Circle

Gas - Edward Hopper

Current Music Mood - Thirteen - Big Star


Should I really be surprised when things come full circle.  When prayers are answered and, after
seeming what was the longest of waits, things are as they were before?

It's been five weeks at the new job, and I feel the circle is complete.  Had some old friends over a week ago and we were watching videos taken almost ten years ago of construction we were doing in Mexico.

Before our current situation, the wife and I had planned out our future.  In an effort for this family to finally be together, we'd make our home in Mexico.  I'd find work as a teacher/translator and we'd build our home somewhere in the Yucatan peninsula, where our two oldest girls lived.  We thought about buying a house, but realized it would be easier (and cheaper) to simply put a second floor on the house in Yucatan.  Construction started, we'd made alot of progress and in 2009 things were moving along.

I know I've said this before, but life is truly amazing.  Now at the riper old age of 47, I can see the past and God's timing in it all.  Where I'd see the momentary stoppage/failure/change, I now see the provisions.  And I am amazed.

As I watched the video with my friends, my senses were piqued.  I closed my eyes and heard the birds chirping, the motos driving by our house on the way to market, and the house slowly warming as the sun rose.  I remember the warmth of the tortillas, the small of Zote filling the kitchen and sound of sandals shuffling along the floor.  Why had it been so long?

Not all houses have stoves ;)

Then I remembered.  Mari and I were expecting that same year (2009).  In 2010, we'd learn that our two oldest could come here, and everything changed.  Plans, the future, our hopes and dreams - everything.  So construction would be put on hold.  Money, time, and efforts were needed elsewhere.

But it would stop there.  Three months after our second child emigrated to the US, companies were acquired and my work situation changed drastically.  Over the next four years we'd suffer, and not have as much as we'd had before, or were used to.  I took jobs based on need rather than desire, but it was okay because we were altogether. But I couldn't get ahead.

Then, doors began to open.  Visas acquired, then we bought a house.  One thing led to another, and before I knew it I was back in the game.  A job that I enjoy with a company with endless potential. And it felt just like it did so many years ago.  Processes to improve, issues to handle - my surgical, almost archaeological type investigations unearthing what was previously hidden.  In the last 2-3 weeks, I've thought and dreamed of that old job so many times.  I feel at home.

Several weeks ago, we received current photos of our future home/floor plan.  Time hasn't been kind.  And with a father-in  law and a new pacemaker who now keeps our future home "warm",  the strings of our heart were tugged once again as we saw the disrepair.  Living in the land of the plenty, now being blessed as we were before arrangements have been made to continue the construction.

Amazing where technology is now.  Ten years ago, we burned dvds in our Sony Handy cam.  Now, videos are instantly sent across the Atlantic via cellular airwaves.  We can see real time updates as the flooring is installed, the tile is laid, and the painting is applied.  It's costly, but we are grateful to have what lacked before.

My sister-in-law sent me a video.  I heard the mariachi song play, the same bird chirped and I could hear the humming of life, just as it's been every time I've visited.  Yet in the quickest of moments, I saw something that would completely yank my heart.

It was the moment my father in law was sitting on the edge of his bed, seeing his "updated" surroundings.  It's as he is taking it all in, absolutely amazed at what he sees.  I've heard how hard life has been for him - extreme poverty, the loss of his wife, separation from several of his children due to economical hardships.  And now he has - this. Tears came to my eyes. I'm not rich in financial terms, but i have been blessed with love and the greatest of families.Ad now, after several years of hardship and suffering, I am finally able to share that with someone in need.  It is breathtaking, awe inspiring, and humbling in the quickest of seconds.  Never could have imagined it, am eternally grateful for it, and I can't wait for next opportunity.

Summer's Ending

Walking in the evening light, dark clouds rolling in . . . .

The humidity hangs thick in the air tonight

As the long summer comes to an end.

I walk the streets, through the stores,

looking at the final sales of summer.

Fall is coming, colder nights to hold

that very special someone closer.

Stop.

Breathe the moment in.  They go so fast.

Enjoy it.  Drink it in as you might a fine wine.

Summer is fading right before your eyes.

Mine was full of memories, many happy but a few of them not so.

Where did the time go?  Redeem it, lest you miss

the blessings right before you.

I close my eyes and reflect on these last three months

I am so blessed.

A new journey has begun, just in time for the best time of the year.

My old life has begun again,

and I am thrilled to be right here.

Well that didn't take long . . . .

It was much harder last time around.  Seven months of no work takes its toll.

When ASG closed down, it was very hard professionally.  I struggled trying to find my way.  The last couple of years were both rewarding and challenging.  Professionally, I've worked a miracle or two (with the help of others), and overcome some really tough times.

Realizing things were coming to an end, I hit the internet to see what was needed for the next stage.  I came across an article which mentioned the leading skill needed in today's job market (which is very competitive if you've not noticed). 

The skill? Resilience.  That's right - resilience.  Not a computer programming skill - not a fad, or the latest gimmick/shortcut.

Resilience.

Having played PVP in Warcraft, I was familiar with the concept.  You get knocked down, you get back up, and every time you are knocked down, you get back up.  Easy? Never.  But to survive in today's job market, you need resilience.

So I applied. and applied. and applied.

You want rejection?  Change jobs.  You want even more rejection?  Change professions, even industries.

My wife probably thought I was crazy.  But I remembered that internet article.  Perseverance and resiliency.

I brushed off the first one hundred rejections.  I'd been here before.  So one hundred wasn't bad.

Couple of calls.  I'd get excited but not too excited because I knew what to expect.  Then I hit two hundred applications.  Again, no problem.  "Familiar territory" I said.

Then I hit three hundred.  I changed my resume.  Even paid someone almost $200 to update it, to show my skill set in a way I couldn't. Still nothing.  I began to question, even began to lose a little faith.

I knew what many were thinking.  They saw the multiple positions in different industries.  Several couldn't believe I didn't want to be a GM again - "are you sure you want to make that leap?" one said. Even when I said yes, they struggled to believe.

But I knew what I needed.  M-F, 8-5. One that wouldn't call me at 4 am when the machine breaks, or wouldn't text me saying they couldn't come to work, and I'd work two-three positions at once.  One where we were losing good people left and right because they couldn't afford to work with us anymore.

Don't get me wrong.  My current employer is a good company to work for.  But after the sale, it just wasn't the same anymore.  More so when I had to move.

Then I hit four hundred applications and more rejections.  I emailed the guy I'd paid and said I'd made a mistake.  I lost hope. How do I fix?

Resilience.  I held on with my fingertips but I could feel it slipping.  Looking up at the heavens I squinted and wondered if God had forgotten something.  Or better yet, someone.

But as they say, it's always darkest before the dawn.  I went to sleep that night restless, a little depressed. I was still employed, but how much longer would I last?

Out of all those applications, 30 contacts. multiple phone interviews.  Yet only THREE face to face interviews.

But it only takes one . . .

At 8 a.m. the next morning a phone call comes.  we talk, the one not wanting to waste the other's time.  It goes better than either of us expected, and an interview is set up for that Monday.  Which is then rescheduled when my morning manager quits. Sigh.

Smelling like food and shortening, I rush to the interview the next day completely overdressed.  Again we talk, this time for 2.5 hours.  No promises are made, and it's clear there are others they are interviewing.  But in that conversation, I met an individual who I respected.  And if given the opportunity, could really learn from.  We finished at if he calls, it's a go.  If I get an email, thanks for applying but . . . . .

Hopes are raised, then tempered.  Again, I've walked the road before.  Resilience. Patience. Perseverance. 10 days pass.  Then, on an off day with the family, I get that call at 8 am.  Still, more hurdles to overcome.

Checks are made and passed.  Today, I received the final approval.

And I believe I'm one of the the lucky ones.  My interviewer is really good, you see.  He was able to not just see titles, but job skills, transferable skills at that.  He said things to me during that interview, that even though I'd just met him, almost believed he'd known me for some time.  I'm not often impressed in an interview, but i was in a bit of awe.

And now, here I am. Happy, elated for the new opportunity. Nostalgic of course. Customers I've gotten to know. Friendships made, lessons taught and learned, memories of great times together.  People who I love and care about, I now must leave in the hands of others. Sadness at the thought of passing the torch, and of friends moving on and away.

To each and every one of you - thank you.  I can not put into words what you've meant to me.

I pause, soaking in the reality of the moment.  I breath a sigh of relief.  A job well done, even if not everyone sees it.  But it was extremely hard, almost took too much out of me.

And now, a new challenge.  One with many promises, a brighter future it seems.

Onward it is . . .