Saturday, December 15, 2018

Untitled



In the silence, time passes by with every beat of the clock.  Tick-tock. Tick-tock.

I can hear the rain dripping outside of my window, and the night sounds are almost - melodic.

I am spent.  Exhausted.  With  a feeling that I have next to nothing left to give.

For a man that works from his heart, it is a tough place to be.

Not the worst, mind you, but not a very fun place either.

Drained, sapped.

Love is the salve, the marrow of my bones that gives me the strength.

Just enough to place one foot in front of the other,  to get through another hard day.

Even though I know another waits tomorrow.

I have searched and have yet to find an answer.

For now, all I can do is wait, patiently, focusing on the task at hand.

Grateful for what I have, but striving for more.  I wait . . .

Until my salvation arrives.

Thursday, September 21, 2017

The healing power of music

I love the internet.

So many things you can find, at just the click of a button.  Here a jingle?  Ask Google.  Want to know the name of the song at the end of the Friends Finale?  Chrome'll tell you.

Music is just so - powerful?  There's alot of things that soothe an aching soul.  But music, it's such a great salve.

And there's so much out there.  I believe one of God's greatest gifts to us is music.  And the variety.  Of course, there's some crap out there, but there is also so much good.  And so many different types.  Seems that He brings the songs along I need to hear.

It's been a rough few days.  Wife was in the hospital, a seemingly innocent comment cut through my marrow to the bone.  That and running a million dollar business can take it's toll. Lately, it has been.

And if you don't take the time to recharge, you'll find yourself burning out real quick.

I love this blog.  I love the ability to write, to express, to share.  Life gets in the way, and I might not always make the time to write like I should, but I'll never stop completely

So much beauty in life if we just take a moment to see it.

Take a moment and enjoy this one



Loop it.  It's so much fun.

Spent alot of time in prayer these last few days.  It's been rough.

Sometimes it's hard to "be still."

Yet I'm reminded that we are all spiritual beings.  We bear the capacity to feel, to love, to care, share and comfort one another.

 Life is hard enough.  Choose to love one another.

So sit back, grab your favorite glass of whatever that may be.

And relax.

Thank God for the moment.  Breath deeply, and soak it in.

Forgot about tomorrow's troubles. They'll be here soon enough.

Rather, be thankful for the grace that got you thru today.

And let the healing begin.

Cheers.

P.S.  Here's another one of my favorites.   Called Willoughby by Over the Rhine.


Friday, August 25, 2017

And I keep coming back

About a year or so ago, I logged into Blogger.  As I looked at my blog, I noticed there was a button up top which said "Next Blog."  So I clicked it.  And clicked again.  And again.

I can't remember how long I surfed through the various blogs - quite possibly an hour or so.  And there was something that really stuck out.

So many of the "most recent" blog posts were old.  Some were only a few months, but most were several years old.

Which made me wonder - why do people stop blogging?  Is it that they become disheartened that no on "hears them."  Do they feel as if their message has fallen on deaf ears, or that no one cares?

I understand that feeling.  That's why sometime ago I chose to write for me, and not for the masses.  Of course, if can impact someone's life, well, even better.  But my writing, though shared with the world wide web, is for me.  An outlet, a release to share what's on my heart and in my mind.

A place to practice, to string together words.  To think, type, think, analyze, read, edit, delete.

And publish . . .

Life has been great these last eight months.

I've gotten a new job.  I thought the old one was my dream job.  Sadly, it wasn't.  It was nothing I'd thought it would be.



A failure?  Probably.

Another fork in the road, that showed me what I wanted really wasn't what I wanted?  Absolutely.
Aren't we humans fickle creatures?

Any regrets?  Hell no.

And now, I work longer hours.  And am surrounded by great people.

I am challenged, motivated, and more tired on a grander scale.  But it's still a place of employ, like it's predecessors, and only part of my complete life.

And even more importantly, we own a home.



So much sooner than we'd ever hoped for.  So much joy and happiness than I could have ever imagined.

So. much. love.

I'm counting the hours, minutes, until they're home.



Tick, Tock. Tick Tock.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Grateful . . . and a New Year's resolution


Maybe I should have written this before Thanksgiving.  But I was moved to do so tonight.

As 2016 comes to a close, there is a couple of highlights from this year (including a really neat trip to Indiana) that made an impression.  Here's one or two, though, that really hit home.

First and foremost, is the sheer magnitude of God's grace in my life.  I've come to realize I needed Him much more than I ever knew.  Wow.  At times, I can't believe how blind i was before.  But God, in his infinite love, allows you to not only see yourself as you truly are, but also as He sees you, wrapped in His love and forgiveness.  I've known about this, but really seen/been awakened to His grace in a new way year this year, and I am in awe.

Secondly, and as equally important, is that the raging spiritual battle is real.  My eyes were first opened in the fall of 1995 through the writings of Frank Peretti.  I admit, I didn't understand what I was reading at the time.  But over the ensuing years, my eyes were opened to the battle around us.  And I'm grateful for this, because we are not only spiritual creatures created by God, we are part of something greater.

I see alot of this in Mexico to be honest.  While I might be a bit partial, sometimes i feel I'm overly blessed here in the States, and a result, more distracted.  I have to CONSTANTLY remind myself it's not about how much money i have in the bank (or more correctly, don't), the possessions, but about the grace of God.  I find myself constantly battling self.

To be honest, some of God's greatest moments have come in Mexico.  Every luxury is stripped away.  I'm reminded how much I am blessed, and my heart is constantly moved to see so many trust God for their daily provisions.  And where the greatness of God remains, there too are the forces of evil, battling each and every step forward.

These two experiences have brought me to a harsh realization.  I fall so short of loving others the way I'm commanded to.  I've read it countless times, know what the Scriptures say.  I can see Paul's words that without love, it's all a bunch of noise.  And yet, I see so many areas where I've fallen short.  So many opportunities to show God's love, and I've been blinded - by my bitterness, by my passion to be right, by my arrogance.  And all I can do is hear my own noise.

So from gratefulness, I move to resolution.  I don't want to stay the same I am today.  I have so far to go and may spend the rest of my life climbing this mountain.  But it's all about the journey, not the destination.

I believe.  God - help me where I fall short.

Merry Christmas to you and yours. 

P.S. I can't get enough of this song.  The melodies, the words, the love.  I can't believe I've not worn out Youtube yet lol.  I am constantly blessed by Hillsong Music, like I imagine so many others are.






Sunday, October 16, 2016

Still saying Goodbye





I've been feeling melancholy the last day or two.  I'm sure most of it has to do with starting another chapter.  And in truth I should be happy, thrilled to say the least.  But I'm not.  I supposed because it's time to say goodbye once more.

(I wrote this post earlier this year - June I think).  And while I'd love to tell you that I've conquered this one, yeah, I'm still working on it.)

I know - we separated sometime ago.  Truth is, I've been so busy preparing the future - and that was harder than I'd that I've not been able to bring myself to say goodbye.  At least not until today. 

There's much I missed out in this life, but the last 5 years have more than made up for it.  And as I stand at the next fork in the road, there's both a feeling of sadness and joy.  Sadness for the friends I'll leave behind, and joy at what the future holds.  And while I'll continue to make sacrifices for all my days, today these are hard.

To be honest, I don't enjoy summer.  I LOVE Fall and Winter. And it seemed wherever I've gone the last couple of days, each road, every path has been filled with memories of what used to be. And to that life I say goodbye, and thank you.

For without you, I would not be the man I am today.  You've molded me into a stronger and more confident individual, equipping me with tools to provide a better future.  Each time I drove my car, I'd pause a moment to remember those early morning drives.  I remembered both the battles and the victories, the joys and the sorrows of it all.




A much needed break






Tonight I needed a break.  Two days of being shut in will make one feel suffocated.

Today was a family day.  And it was, but a quiet one.  Tonight, after being inside for two days straight, I needed a break.

Not sure if you've been here before but, sometimes I feel that every good book has been read, and that every original concept of a movie has been made.  My brain sits unchallenged, un-worked, and I feel - stale.  And it's too much to bear.

I watched Joy tonight, and could relate initially with JL's character so much.  The sting of failure after failure, wondering how low you can go.  I said to my wife the other day that I couldn't understand how I could have so much potential and be so poor. Well, I know the why, it's just fixing it that's the hard part.  And I have no idea how.  It's like something is missing, and I can't tell you what "it" is. or even how to get there.  It's hard not to feel like a failure.

I wonder if I should be a writer.  But I lack that great concept to write about.  And I fear I may never find it.

I figured I could be a scholar . . . but what does that mean?

Sometimes I just feel - lost.

Tonight was one of those nights.

So I did the only thing I could come up with.  I took Stephanie to McDonald's and had an ice cream.   Her smile always seems to cheer me up.  Oh yes, I know, it's a school night.  Which i'm sure made the treat that much sweeter for her.  She calls it "Stephanie and Daddy" time. And I don't mind at all.

As we drove the windy road back to the home, my mind traveled to pre-technology days.  I've always been a sucker for Hopper's work.  I've read biographies about him, and have dreamed of seeing more of his works at the Whitney Art Museum.   I wondered what it would be like to have no computer, to have no TV.  to only have a radio.  But I'm old enough to know that sometimes life looks a little rosier through those glasses than it really was.

I've thought about my legacy, wondering what I'm leaving to my kids.  Tonight it doesn't seem like much.

I know I've changed the lives of 3 people, and I'm guessing that should be enough.

But sometimes I feel I could be doing more.  I want to do more.  But I lack the education to know what that is.  And if I found it, would I truly be happy?

And there are other days, where I "do" so much, with so little result.

No matter how hard the road, though, I do have them.  And it gets me through the day, no matter how hard it may feel.  Especially looking into those four sets of brown eyes.


Image result for finding your calling quotes

I'm trying, bud.  I'm trying.

Saturday, October 15, 2016

Summer's End


The wife and I attended our neighbor's birthday party tonight.  As the sun set and we sat on the porch outside, I couldn't help but pull myself from the hubbub around me and stare at the trees.  Taking a deep breath I slightly soaked it all in - the sights, the sounds, the feeling of the moment.  We are about to enter my favorite time of the year, and I could feel it.

I've no clue why this time of year makes me so nostalgic.  Mari and I were sharing that thought just a few hours ago.  If my faith and acupuncture have taught me one thing, is that we are spiritual beings.  And I can feel the fall coming  . . .

Maybe it's the introduction of cooler temperatures, or the scents of fall.  It might be the temporary sadness that summer is over, that another "click" on the counter of years has just turned another number.  Maybe ti's the anticipation of the joy of another holiday season or two right around the corner.

Whatever "it" is, I love my life right now.  The last year, has proven challenging.  But those challenges I can happily say are now victories.  I lost a job, yet now have a job, doing something I love.  I started my own business and failed, yet found my "calling" and after 40 years, know for the first time what I'm meant to do.

And I'm excited for what the future holds.

Monday, July 25, 2016

We interrupt this broadcast




With a new work schedule, and an hour drive to my new job, family dinners are few and far between. When my wife and I were first married, a change occurred.  I went from being a chef wannabe, to an observer.  Not only did my wife love to cook, she loves to cook for me and her family, a job she does very well.  And if you've lived in a multicultural home, you know that's no easy task.

As Americans, we have a very diverse menu.  Due to our immigrant beginnings, we claim some Italian, some Mexican, some Chinese, and Several other countries' as ours.  If your not used to eating such a varied smorgasbord, it's a lot to learn so I help where i can.  The wife appreciates the break, and I LOVE to cook and to entertain my family.

The girls worked late the other night, and with a couple of new summer recipes, we had a spontaneous late night dinner date as a family.  Short a few items, I ran to the store.  As I parked my car, I noticed the SUV parked next to me.  A massive beast of a truck, my eyes ran over the rear bumper, and I noticed several stickers.  One warned the reader of touching God's anointed, the other seemed to confess their love of God, the third I think was a warning to the devil for ignoring the other two stickers.

 After purchasing what I needed, I went out to my car to find the owner of said SUV unloading their things.  On a whim, I offered to take her cart for her, because well that's what I do.  She said thank you, finished loading her things, and I took the cart.

When I returned, she thanked me again, and handed me a tract about God's love.  I confess I didn't read it.  It was on the tip of my tongue to tell her that I knew God, but something in her eyes told me she wasn't interested.  So, I politely accepted and gave her my thanks,

As I drove home, the irony was smacking.

She loudly professed her faith, both through the literature and the stickers.

I chose not to speak mine, but only show it.  Granted in a very small way, but just the same, I want my actions to speak louder than my words.

Down the road, an earth mover pushed dirt in what was going to be a church parking lot.  For what it's worth, the church has been in construction for years.  My heart felt a tug as i imagined the parishioners scraping, saving their money as their pastor told them a new home was needed.  Only put your trust in God a little more, and we may actually finish the building.

For me, that is where Christianity and mainstream religion has gone completely off the reservation.

It's like putting the cart before the horse.


It's become about Sunday specials, about the lessons we teach or the products we sell.  Somehow, we've found it necessary to have church buildings, choirs, and Sunday school?  Why?  None of that stuff is Biblical, yet its existence is held sacred.  No clue why.

Christians have become so engrossed in politics, they forget about God. They've based and poke fun of LGBTQ and every other belief/lifestyle/choice that they don't agree with, it's almost like we live in the time of the Holy Crusades.

I've sat through services where, when giving is low, the pastor practically begs his congregation to give more.  We have full time pastors who "dedicate" themselves to ministry, without working, but are forced to beg for increased tithing to maintain the lifestyle. Attendance records are talked about like numbers at a sales meeting.  Then, they talk about furthering the cause of Christ, impressing on  audiences that God could return at any time and again, more money is needed.  In this economy, with folks losing jobs and homes left and right.

And the result? We've taught our congregations how to look, sound, and think like Christians, without showing them how to be one.  Just because it sounds and walks and talks like a duck . . . . .

Even sadder is the religious right, or left, is quick to judge the same world they live in, and yet refuse to make a difference.  They wait for the mountain to move before acting out of love for their neighbor.  You must change and accept Christ before you are worthy they say.  I've yet to find this illustrated anywhere in God's Word.  But apparently it's there . . . .maybe in Hezekiah?

And yesterday, as Susy Spiritual drove away, I was both amazed and enlightened.  This is what Christianity has come to.  A gimmick, a bumper sticker, a piece of paper.

And the world wants no part of it.  Nor should they.

The reality is, no buildings are needed.  No bus ministries, no special groups - heck i'd even through no small groups in there.  No seminaries, no special singing groups, no city on the hill mentality which seems to permeate every major Christian sect.  In fact, that is where we have gone wrong.

I'm not sure, nor am I sure how, but Christians have become afraid of the world and the changing arena they live in.  The easy answer is to retreat to a church, a building, a circle where it's safe, hold each other's hands and sing Kumbiya.

But that is not what the Bible says to do. And Christianity is paying the price as a result. So what are we to do?

Christianity has been compared to alot of things.  Jesus' comparisons stuck out to me over the years, a He calls us light and salt. If you've been involved in Christianity as long as I have, you heard this preached on. And alliterated.  And illustrated. and twisted and turned every which way.  We Christians have a way of overcomplicating things.  And there's a problem with that, because it's an extremely simply principle.  Christ even told us that God uses the simple to confound the wise.

Image result for salt pic jpg

Light and salt are completely inanimate objects.  They do not speak, do not make a sound, but their very existence affects a change. They don't stand on a street corner and judge the world for its wrongdoing.  Not its job. They don't stand behind a pulpit as the organ plays, begging for decisions.  Again not its job. It doesn't put bumper stickers or tracts in your face.  It doesn't talk about what you wear, or drink, or do.

It just exists and changes the world it's placed in.  Put salt on a wound and it impacts the area that it's in.  It doesn't preach to the wound, it treats the wound, cleans it by it's very existence.  The light doesn't tell the darkness it's coming, it is just there.  Their very existence and only their existence, brings change.  So what if we focused on that?

What if we lived every day with love, and allowed God to be the only judge?  What if we passionately loved our families and cared for our neighbors, letting our actions tell the story? What if we stopped telling people we were Christians?  Would they notice by the way our lives our lived? What happened if we loved our families like we were supposed to- wouldn't that be testimony in and of itself?

(i hear the religious right grumbling - that's because they must "do" something).  Let me you in on a little secret - God doesn't need any of us to do his work.  None.  He doesn't need church buildings, or beautiful choir robes or special offerings.  He doesn't need school buses or colleges, or special schools to show his grace and love.  He needs none of it.

[Sad part is, you know this.  You teach it, you hit people the head telling your congregations God doesn't need them.  So let me get this right - he only needs you to tell them? The hypocrisy is smacking.]

What he does want us to do is to actually love those around us, like he did.  He of all people could have harshly judged the prostitute, the beggar, the robber, the most vile of society.  But he didn't - he loved them. And so should you. and that's all you should be doing.  Go ahead, I'll wait. Just let that sink in.

You see, it's true.  He'd rather you be sincere and loving. and caring, and by your love for others, effecting a change.  And Lord knows we need as much of that as we can.  There's enough destruction Christianity has done.  Pastor running off with the deacon's wife.   Embezzling, swindling, betrayal, judging - it's all there in the church

But the living part - well, I've seen more of that outside of the church then in it. Which is completely sad.  It seems those that live the faith you won't see in church on a Sunday morning.  They've seen enough hypocrisy for a life time. And to be honest, so have I.

But in the off chance you do want something new, consider this.

What if you chose to live the life instead of talk about it?  Not a word unless you're pressed.  Yes, Peter tells us to be ready.  Yet you seem to take creative license and judge everyone around you.  Not always with your words, but if looks could kill . . . .

But maybe, just maybe if you just live it.  Well, maybe then you'll see the changes you so desperately hope for.  And who knows?  You might actually enjoy the life God has given you.

So go ahead, why not give it a try?





Sunday, July 17, 2016

Land of the Free




I'm writing this post, in part, as a response of what we have seen in America these last few weeks.

Whether you realize it or not, there is much racial unrest in the country right now.  And many fear for the future of America.

The reality is that racism, whether blatant or hidden,  has been prevalent for years in America.  Whether it was the Irish who came to our shore in the early twentieth ceuntry, or the massive droves of slaves stolen from their homes and shipped thousand of miles away, some form of racial tension has always been present.   Currently there are several multiracial tensions before our collective eyes, including both the black and Hispanic community.

This is a hard fact for many Americans to accept.  Many want to pretend that there isn't unrest here in the good ole USA. I mean after all we are America.  We are the greatest country in the world, masters of our domain and rulers over all we see.  When a country needs help, we send troops or aid because we are "America" and we are "awesome."  When the Olympics come every four years, some of our athletes thump their chests while proudly wearing the flag as a cape, seemingly portraying visions of a superhero.



The harsh reality is that American is not as great as some would like to think.  Children are killing each other; both physical and sexual abuse occur daily within our golden shores.  Many have lost the respect for authority, in part fueled by years of misappropration of funds and policital corrutpion.  May will say we are the greatest in the world, but if the reality of death that currently surrounds us raises too many challenges to our greatest for it to be true.

For several years know, I've followed several topics, including immigration.  Thanks to social media, WITHOUT FAIL, every time an article is posted, questioning what is to be done with those here, both legally and illegally, entitled White America reels their collective head.  Whether it's the image of a young many burning an American flag, or an oped on the Hispanic community, their "patriotic sentiments" come spewing forth.  I am both constantly amazed and embarassed at the hate portrayed in their speech.  They denounce the homosexual and berate him for his sexuality, using vitriolic words to support their "love" of America.  They berate the illegal alien, who is hear working to prevent their family from dying of starvation, calling them names and telling them they do not belong in "their" house.  They make fun of the Asian liquor store owner, or the 7-11 clerk whose skin color and speech are different than yours.

Sometime time ago, I was talking with a co-worker.  He was, or I should say is, from the US, who professed his love of America and the Seattle Mariners.  He would comment, quietly of course, that he didn't like black people, and that people with tattoos were not to be trusted.  I listened to him because, well I had to as he was a supervisor until one dayI just couldn't take it anymore.

In front of me, I saw in part what is wrong with our country.  The hate, the prejudice,the old school mentality.  Refusing to accept things for what their current state, always wishing we could go back to the better days.  When America was so white that even our apple pie tasted better.  I had heard this long enough and finally had had my fill.  I looked him squarely in the eyes, and with the calmes of tones said.

"The white America you think you knew does not exist anymore."

And furthermore, it never did.

The history of early U.S. exploration is well documented all across the land.  Early explorers in hope of new lands free from religious persecution, brought hope aas well as sickness from Eurpoe as they arrived in the new land.  Over time they kicked out the then inhabitants of the land, and forced them to live in groups.  They escaped religious persecution only to institute racial prejudice in favor of a better tomorrow.

But your average red white and blue American chooses to ignore that.  Rather they prefer to thump their chest, proudly proclaiming to be part of great America.  They bash the media, they bash liberalism and anything that challenges their point of view.  If you don't agree, then leave their country because the USA is not the place for you.

Such bigotry was not the intent of the founding fathers that White America so proudly supports.  George Washington said in a letter to a Hebrew congregation, "The citizens of the United States of America have the right to applaud themselves for having given to mankind examples of an enlarged and liberal policy worthy of imitation. All possess alike liberty of conscience and communities of citizenship. It is now no more that toleration is spoken of as if it were by the indulgence of one class of citizens that another enjoyed the exercise of their inherent natural rights, for happily the Government of the United States, which gives to bigotry no sanction, to persecution no assistance, requires only that they who live under its protection should demean themselves as good citizens in giving it on all occasions their effectual support." Entitled White America - even the father of our country denounces your ways.

An even greater offense, however, is the degradation of human sacrifice made by the members of our military.  Whether white or black, or yellow or red, straight or not, if you live in America - someone died for you to live freely today.  Free to live in a nation absent of prejudice, hate, or fear.  They died for their American, and their America is supposed to be great.

When you choose to be hateful, to be prejudice, to promote an elitist American mindset, you do the greatest of disservice to our brothers and sisters who died so that we may live.  When you refuse to recognize the brokenness of our current immigration system, you belittle their sacrifice.  Shame on you. I'm sure they were very proud of the colors of their country.  And I'm not talking about the red, white and blue.  I'm talking about red, yellow, black, and brown.

Upon the eve of election, I am saddened.  We are in a sorry state of affairs.  The choices for presidential candidates presented before us would be humorous if it all wasn't so tragic.  Yet the reality is,  no matter how many promises are made, the form of our government prevents one man or woman from changing so much.

And our government is at a gridlock because many Americans struggle with their national identity.  So many have yet to accept the truth as they go to the store and are in a restaurant with their friends.  As they drive along the highway, or stop to see our national landmarks, there is one prevalent truth:

White America does not exist. 

And it never has.

Saturday, May 28, 2016

The Fight





A friend of mine made a comment on my FB wall about a year ago with the phrase "Do it." Little did I know that not only did my current project mean a lot to me,but it motivated others around me. The reason I want to write today is to motivate you. That this world isn't as small or as big as it feels sometimes. And you and I are more important than we realize.

My blog is well documented that I lost my job six months ago.  This past December I spent travelling and January passed- no job. Then February came and went, then March and April and still no job.  Depression set in, unlike I'd ever felt before.  I felt that God had abandoned me, that I'd failed my family somehow.  Or worse, I thought that maybe I wasn't that good, or that smart, or that valuable.

It wasn't only until recently did I realize I was in the midst of something.  To be honest, I don't what to call it.  Some would say a battle, others a test, maybe even doing something great. I don't know. The truth is, I'm not that smart and I can't define it for you. In fact, I couldn't have even put this experience into words until yesterday when I came across this video. (you can find the video here)

Many of you know that I'm a man of deep faith.  So when I see or hear motivational videos, I think they're okay, but I don't like to get too worked up about them.  I've found in my own personal life that getting excited and motivated about something is great, but I really don't "do" anything.  Sure the rush of the excitement of those emotions are great, but I want something more, you know?

I was in the midst of a fight.  I could relate to being knocked down.  I've never been "out", never will be because God will always take care of me.  But I was at a turning point. Would I fight, or stay on the mat?

I've received quite a few rejection emails since I started applying for jobs. I've even thought of taping them to my office wall to serve as motivation.  I've received so many that I began to take it personal.  But then I heard this video and realized that maybe it's time to fight.  So I put my gloves on . . .

Maybe that's where you are at.  Maybe you're like me, not even realizing you've been knocked down, unable to hear the count out.  Maybe you're head is swimming and it's all you can do to keep your sanity.  Don't worry, I've been there too. And I promise you.  If you put your trust in God, he'll never fail you.  It'll get tough sometimes, but you're like a diamond.  He's using those tough times to cut off the rough edges and make you to be the man/woman he wants you to be - and that you want to be.

For me I found my "why".  Four hours and six libraries later, I stepped in the fight and am coming out swinging.  Ring the bell . . . .





Sunday, May 22, 2016

The realization of a dream





A couple of years after I graduated from college, Good Will Hunting hit the streets.  If you haven't seen the movie, I encourage you to go to Netflix and watch it.  It's a movie that's always meant a lot to me and has great acting to boot. It's a little hard to watch now, realizing the end that Robin Williams came to.  He was such a brilliant actor.  Any of us that had the pleasure of watching him saw his genius through his ability to make us laugh and to make us feel. 

The thing I appreciated most about this film was how well I could relate to Matt Damon's character, Will.  While I only briefly stayed in a foster home, and even though I was never the subject to knives and cigarettes, the abuse I endured was just as real, and just as hard to overcome.  I understood exactly how his character felt when Robin William's asked him what his passions were and he was unable to answer (clip here). I was just as clueless as Matt's character was.  I had no idea what I wanted to do, because, like Will, I spent my time surviving the hell that I had been living in.

I've always referred to this mode as the "survivor mode". If there's anything I've learned, is that not all abuse is physical and even worse, not all of it is visible to the naked eye.  So we don't always see what the person is struggling with. And for the victim, it is an all consuming nightmare. For me that meant I couldn't see past the hurt and the pain to even consider what my likes or my passions were.  I only knew how to endure the pain, to survive.  I couldn't even begin to help myself on overcoming it.




Problem is, no one in my life how to handle it either.  Back then, it seemed that no one was equipped to handle verbal abuse or emotional trauma.  In order to do so, we had to accept that it existed, that it was real.  We also had to accept that it happened in a Christian setting, which many were unwilling to do.  PTSD had just been discovered, yet it seemed that churches thought that PTSD wasn't real, that such problems could be solved through verses or corporal punishment.  At least it seemed that way to me, and I had the bruises to prove it.

That's why movies like GWH were so important to me, because they gave me hope.  Hope that in time and with healing that I would find that "special one" with whom I could share life.  One that would accept every part of me, including the hard road I'd walked.  The movie also gave me inspiration that eventually one day, I could have the chance to do what I liked to do, rather than having others think for me.  That I wouldn't have to simply survive; that I could live life to its fullest, just like we were all meant to do.

It's been a long hard journey.  I'm excited to tell you thought that I did get the girl, eventually.  But just as important, I've found it what it was I was made to do.  Forgive the length of the blog, but it's been such a long journey, and there's a bit more to say . . .  Here's the story.

When I graduated from college in 1995, I was clueless, just like Will.  I thought I could do just about anything, but had no idea what "it" was.  So for lack of any other direction, I listened and followed the advice of others.  Of course I didn't see it that way at the time and I thought that I would be happy.  I'd eventually move to NC to take a teaching position, only to have the administrator who had hired me lose his position within weeks and ultimately I'd lose mine that same summer. 

Needing a job, I enlisted at a local temp agency and within days found myself working for an attorney by the name of Jerry.  I still remember it like yesterday. His secretary, Kay, was on vacation and would I fill in for her?  Jerry was a great guy.  We'd eat catfish, talk about the law and I fell in love with the profession. I did all kinds of work and loved every minute of it.  I still remember our conversations, and was in awe of the work he did.

It was only a week's assignment, but we stayed in contact that summer, until I moved to Ohio for a teaching position.  After all, that's what I had majored in, what I'd been told I was good at and what I'd majored in.  What else could I do?  So I said my goodbyes, packed my Carolina blue Taurus and drove to Cincinnati.

I tried the teaching next couple of years , but I didn't enjoy it. So I danced with the legal profession again, this time in the Government Affairs realm.  It took me about a year to realize I wasn't qualified and needed more training.  The problem at that time was I was 25 years old and broke.  Even if I'd wanted to go back to school (which I didn't), I couldn't afford it and felt hopelessly lost. I began to wander aimlessly in my career path, listening to others' ideas and opinions about what I should do.  I didn't know how to do it any differently.




To sum up those twenty years, it took a lot of healing and some painful growth to see what I was doing wrong.  It took time to heal the past and learn what I liked, what my passions were.   And I had help along the way.  Some folks were instrumental in the healing process, of helping me to overcome the past and to listen to my heart.  Others gave me the tools that I'd need to find my way, to learn who I was and what I was created to be.  It was a fruitful journey and as I find myself at this crossroads, I pause to look back with an extremely grateful heart.

The last six months of being unemployed have been hard. I've had to relearn some things, and made some hard decisions.  I've not yet gone hungry and had a roof over my head to boot. But while the journey has been hard, seeing this dream accomplished in my life has made me realize that I would do it all over again.  Yes you read that correctly - every bit of it.  I'd lose my job, feel hopeless, be angry and feel depressed again -  if it meant being here.

I realize this is all part of the journey  - in fact, I see it as the beginning of a new path, a new adventure and the place where' I'm currently supposed to be.  And I am so excited!  If all works well, I'll start on my paralegal certificate early this summer and hopefully land a job soon thereafter.  Right where I want to be, back in the law office.

So to Jerry and Laura and Robbie (and the many others), I say thank you - from the bottom of my heart.  Without you all, this would have never been possible.  Thank you for the fulfillment of a dream.



 

Another Tribute

  Several years ago, when I was writing this blog, there was an unanswered question twirling around in my mind - when would I stop?  Bloggin...