Rest Stop

Buckeye Lake Rest Stop

This, dear reader, is going to be a quick one. I've got a job interview in about an hour via Skype, and so I've got to get ready for that.

For being unemployed, life is  really busy.  Figuring out how to pay bills, helping the wife babysit and overall housework keeps me constantly moving. Fortunately I've settled into somewhat of a routine.  Get a chance in the morning to read thanks to the folks over at Bible Gateway.  Playing catch up really, got a couple of weeks behind.  And the fact i was in Numbers/Deuteronomy probably didn't motivate me as much as I would like.

But now I'm off and in Judges and I Samuel.  That's just some great reading there.  David's Friendship with Jonathan, Saul hates him and wants to kill him.  The priests sons dishonoring them and dying by fire.  Almost sounds like Game of Thrones.  Unfortunately, though, not as popular.

But that's not what today is about.  I thought I'd bring you a break, like the one I experienced.  Here I was plugging away at the finances, trying to make sure all the bills were covered (success, thank you God).  Zoning in with my Bose headphones.

And I just had to stop and soak in the moment.  And in the middle of the 4 million things you'll accomplish (or at least maybe try), I encourage you to do the same.

(Video)

This video represents to me the ultimate form of worship.  Forget about the worshipers, the stage, and just soak it in.  His presence.  Of course you can't see it, but you must feel it.  Feel it permeate your heart, and deep into your soul.

Allow it to rejuvenate those tired bones, and relax your overwhelmed mind.  Take a moment's pause from all that troubles you, and rest.

You are in a battle, you know.  Sad part is we all (including myself) lose sight of that fact, and wonder at the end of the day why we feel. so. tired.

So go ahead, take a break - a spiritual rest stop if you will.  Regardless of your current situation, or preoccupation you are currently in the presence of God Almighty. Close your eyes, raise your hands to the sky and drink it all on.  Let it wash away your worries, your fears, and all the unknowns that trouble you, dear friend.

Because while this praise is all for Him, the blessings received from His goodness and grace are ours to receive.

And remember that no matter what you face today, this life is just a temporary movement in the midst of an eternal song.

Walk a mile in their shoes

That statement is so true.

A few years ago, a highly qualified employee was let go.  She had her moments of course, but as a fellow employee, my heart went out to her when I'd learned she had lost her job.  Her ex husband was my locksmith, and whenever he came out to do work, I'd ask how she was doing.  Three months passed, then four, and still she had no work.  I remember thinking she was being too over selective in her prospects.  Finally, at about the six month mark, he informed me she'd found work.

I thought about her today as I sat in the unemployment office.  And as I reflected on my current state of affairs, I couldn't help but laugh at myself.  How quick I'd been to criticize.  And yet here I was, coming upon the five month mark, walking the very same road she did - on food stamps, collecting unemployment, with a very tough job market ahead of me. 

Nowadays, I'm slow to speak, and ever slower to judge.  I'm still a work in progress.  And one thing I've learned these last few months is that not everyone collecting food stamps are lazy.  They are many, like me, who are searching every possible method of finding employ that meets their family's needs.  We spend hours a day at the computer, applying for job after job, with very little to no response.

Work agencies aren't what they used to be, either.  That's not necessarily their fault, it's just an indication of how much the workforce has changed over the last twenty years..  In my 20's, I'd worked for temp agencies, and never lacked for work.  Make the right impression, even on a week long assignment, and it's entirely possible something permanent developed. Nowadays, temp agencies are more concerned about getting you in the right place, "marrying" you to the right employer.  So be patient.

Here's something I didn't know.  Temp agencies will post positions on job search websites that aren't even available.  Many times I'd apply for EA jobs, but never heard back after the initial interview.  I kept hearing, "we don't have anything for you right now," which confused me considering I'd just applied for a job I knew I was qualified for.  It wasn't until a recruiter explained that these agencies were simply filling their rosters for future positions.  Knowing that took some of the sting out of the rejection.

So what's a person to do?  There are a lot of resources out there for the unemployed - even if you don't qualify to receive unemployment.  Maybe you find yourself in my shoes.  I'm 40ish, married with 3 kids.  I'm a jack of all trades, master of none, which can be a negative when looking for a job.  Why?  Because you don't have that ONE thing career wise that people look for. 

If you find yourself recently unemployed and searching, here's some things that might help

1.  Unemployment office.  They'll ensure if you're entitled to receive benefits that you do receive them.  Even if you're not, they will help you through the transition and advise you of all the resources at your disposal -  for no charge.
2.  Go to your local workforce center (THIS IS AN UNDERUSED TOOL).  Mine had a couple of folks who were willing to work with me.  I am pursuing a career change, and might have a way of paying for it now, even though I'm unemployed.  There's a lot of state assistance out there. Don't be afraid to use it. My guess is your tax dollars have more than paid for it already :)

Maybe you're like me and you don't know what you like to do.  Here's a couple of tools that will help you find your way.

1. http://traitmarker.com/signup - one of the best tests I've taken.  It's not a standard personality test.  Gave me a lot of direction in helping me determine my new career path.  It's only $29.99 and comes with a free ebook. For me, this test was a CRITICAL first step in determining what I was put on this earth to do. I HIGHLY recommend it

2. www.careerinfornet.org/skills - helps you determine your job skills are.  if it was me, take the traitmarker first, then this one.  There's no charge associated with this one.

3. www.mynextmove.org - for those just entering the labor market

It takes work, as well as a LOT of courage to do what you want to do.  If you're patient enough, and have the support at home, you'll get where you need to go.  While I've not arrived at my destination, it's a lot more comforting to know what I like to do.  Don't be discouraged - you can get there too :)

Only time will tell

I love being married.  It's been everything and nothing like I'd thought it would be.  Companionship alone is such a hard experiment sometimes.  Two people with completely different sides, yet so much alike, living under one roof.  Total chaos.

One of the unexpected side benefits is when your partner sees things in you that you can't.  At first it can be annoying, or easily dismissed.  Great part about it is you're forced to take a step back and reexamine yourself.  Can I really be that much of a jerk?

The answer today was yes.  Without even realizing it, I'd was told I was a bear on the rampage.  Now granted, if you're Hispanic, you don't use those terms.  But through the translation, the message was clear - something was bothering me and I needed to figure it out.

It's been almost five months since I lost my job.  The challenges I've recently faced are brand new to me, and I don't always realize how much of an impact it has.  I've applied, interview, applied, researched, taken personality tests, and applied again, only to face a constant stream of rejection.  Overqualified, make too much money, not exactly what we're looking for - you get the picture.

Today it came to a helm.  I'm sure you've been there - someone cuts you off, you get mad.  Fortunately things didn't get out of hand.  But it stopped me cold - something was wrong, and now even I could see it.  So I came home, apologized to my wife for what it seems the 11 millionth time, and said a quick prayer to God, begging him to fix this mess in my life.

I wish I could tell you what exactly is wrong.  I can't, but man I FEEL off.  I've slowed down, remove some time wasters and created new habits.  I began walking in the morning (2 days straight so far, so yeah I just started).  Eating a little healthier, cut out soda, and even decided on a new career.

There's a flip side to that you now.  Judgment day is coming.  Pretty soon the cushion I had will fall away and the reality of unemployment will sit in.  Well even more so now than before.  How can I apply for so many jobs and experience so little response.

It's all a man can do to stay sane.

The Next Big Thing

"A mind is a terrible thing to waste." (Arthur Fletcher)

A friend of mine's father once told him that if he was to have a vice, to only have one.  More than that, and a man becomes overwhelmed and lost.

Sometimes passions can become vices.  There are those we can curtail, such as eating.  Sure we still enjoy them, but not to excess. 

Others start out as a simple enjoyment.  The more we enjoy, the more time we spend.  Minutes become hours, and hours become days (collectively speaking of course).  One day, we turn around and part of our life has passed nor where the time went.

Yesterday I said goodbye to one of those vices myself.

I've been an avid gamer for years.  Grown up on computers since my teens, been drawn to them ever since.  I remember the first time I played an MMPORG, I had no idea what they were or how Massive the "M" in that abbreviation was.  After starting to play, I realized that I wasn't going to beat this game any time soon.

So I created another character, and then another.  I studied, rebuilt my game, and studied some more. I become well versed in the game, and combined with my ability to teach/train, began showing others the ins and outs.  I made thousands of pieces of gold, only to give it away.

Now, it's five years later.  I've spent hours/days enjoying this past time.  I'm by no means the best at my class, but it was fun. I was constantly learning, and enjoying it. 

But then, a reality began to set in.  I wasn't reading as much as I used to.  Books were bought and placed on my shelf, without even a second glance.  As I stood in the library yesterday, I realized what I'd become - someone who collects books instead of reading them.

Whoa.

I've done my best to accept eBooks.  But I can't.  Maybe I'm too old, maybe it's the journey of the book in the hands of multiple owners, maybe it's the smells that such books have.  I will always love books because of where they take you.  They push and shove against the walls of your imagination, to new thrilling heights  They challenge you and motivate you as you turn each page, and comfort you in the midst of a crazy, crazy world.

In the land of Azeroth, though, I'd lost that.  Sure I'd grown, I'd learned a little; but when compared to what I had lost, there was no contest. And I've always known that I want something more.

For me personally, when I leave something like this, I don't do stages.  The temptation to go back would be too great.  So I quit cold turkey.  It surprised me a bit, I guess.  5 years of work gone in a matter of a few minutes.  But it had to be done.  Better yet-I wanted to do it!

As with any habit though, I've got to fill it with something good.  Like writing in this blog for instance :)  If I don't, that hole will sit there, begging to be filled.  I'll be tempted to go back to Stormwind, and that is a road I no longer wish to travel.

The rain has started to fall again

After I lost my job, one of the things I treated myself to was a pair of noise cancelling headphones.  While they don't totally block out the sound of my child screaming (out of pure joy), when paired with the calming sounds of rain, it blocks out most noise, allowing me to write in this small basement apartment.

For being unemployed, time passes just as fast as it did when I was working.  Without a second thought, seconds become minutes become hours become days.  The job search has been much harder and taken longer than I thought.  Nearly broke my heart today telling my sister-in-law that after ten years, the well has run dry.  TBH, I pray that I can find a job just so they don't have to go hungry.

In he area where I live, most jobs have over 100 individuals that apply for each job.  The exact number I'm unsure of because the LinkedIn counter stops at 99+.  I've never experienced anything like this before.  I've had several firsts - first time I've had to apply for unemployment, first time I couldn't pay a bill.    Now I find myself applying for WIC, and it's absolutely mind-blowing to me.

Realistically, though, life could be much worse.  I could have cancer.  I could be on Death Row, or I could have a horrible family.  I could have no hope, no promise of tomorrow.  I could be like the young lady I saw in the store day, walking on prosthetics, or the man who lives in another country in poverty, depending daily on his food supply.

I've not written too much these last few months because they're not been much to say.  I do all I can to be positive and to have faith that "all works together for good."  And while there are some positive days, there's also the negative ones, the hard ones.  But I've been blessed - I have the right friends there when I need them, some who help without even knowing it.

The night is winding down.  Today looked liked spring, but doesn't feel like it, well not yet at least.  So I take a moment, put on my headphones, and listen as the rain falls again. 

A Constant Refrain

Well hello, February.  And goodbye.

Another month disappears like the vapor from a tea kettle.

And still no work to be found.

How is that possible?  I know I have the abilities, but the means escape me.

I've never fought so hard to make a living.

I've lost count of the amount of applications I've filled out, or the number of potential employers who have received my resume.

How could so much work result in so little response?

I've often thought that maybe it's something I have done, or forgotten to do.  A man of so many talents spread out over several areas with nothing that really does stand out.

I prayed and cried out; and like David, feel as if my cries fall on deaf ears.  Even though I know it's not true.

Despair creeps in like a sickness.  Tempers flare, and frustration becomes a constant battle, something that must be controlled.  Yet love always sees to win.  Hugs abound.  "I'm sorry" a constant refrain.

Money is slowly disappearing.  Soon there will be none left.  How will I provide?

"Trust Him", they say.  "It will come."  George Mueller often comes to mind.

It's an easy thing to teach principles of belief and faith.  I promise you, though, it is an entirely different thing to live it.

And for now, live it I must.

The Day Before

(An Older Post I never published.  Please forgive the chronological break).


So today was Kindergarten Orientation.  A day for your child and for you the parent to get to know your teacher and their school.  To get to know the program that is going to help you raise your child over the ensuing years . . . .

Overall it was a good experience.  The school, staff, teacher, everything - is great.  I can see though how hard it's going to be for Stephanie initially, which makes it harder for us her parents.  Even though she's had to learn two languages, Steph does a great job of communicating what she feels.  Like today, when she tells me how much she's going to miss me when she goes to school. Regardless of how much I console her, there's no changing that feeling for either one of us.

As I sat in the auditorium and heard all the names being read, I realized something.  My kid will not lack for cultural influence.  My heart went out to some of the newer teachers as they bravely fought through the names as they read the class lists.  I'm guessing compared to some, Stephanie is an easier name :)  But regardless of the culture or race, every parent was equally invested in their children.  It was amusing to see some of the fathers pointing out things, they'd like differently and remembered my father doing the same.

I'm excited to see how Steph will respond.  Right now, of course, she's nervous and shy, which I figured would happen.  While we've done what we could with our work schedules and what not, I've felt there's always been a small shortage of social interaction for her.  Cool thing though, is she has her mother's toughness and her pride, so the future simply waits for her and, as with any child, her opportunities are limitless.

As I began to get her supplies ready for tomorrow, my mind floated back to a similar experience 35 some years ago, to when I was a kid.  One of the few things I can remember about that time, is I was nervous too and felt so alone.  Not having the support at home made things that much harder.  I didn't know it at the time, but it makes life hard when there is a lack of unconditional love in the home.

Mary and I have worked very hard to ensure Stephy has grown in an environment where she is loved.  I can't wait to begin this journey with her . . . . .

An Autumn's Tale

Hello readers - well okay, all 2 of you: )  It's been quite a while since I've written.  The reality is, I've not had much to say, been enjoying life really.  Enjoying the first days of school for Stephanie, learning the ropes. Every time I get home, first words out of Stephy's mouth are "Can we do my homework now?"  Bless her heart, not her fault she doesn't know Daddy needs just a few moments to collect himself before hurtling into another project.  Totally didn't see that coming.  But I love it!

Everyone is working, separately but together, and we're all still adjusting to each other a little.  But it's worked out far better than I could've have ever imagined.  Wife is now working in the mornings and off at nigh, and life just got better.  So instead of blogging about life, I've been living it.  Well, okay, if you're really wanting an answer for my absence- Wordpress is to fault, really.  Tried moving the blogs there, but just couldn't get used to the feel or the look.  So I moved back to Blogger and here I'll stay.

It's not to say that the last few months have been completely easy. This past summer, I learned that our company was acquired by another.  Being a completely nostalgic noob, these last few months have been quite hard.  I've seen a company I've worked at and enjoyed thoroughly for the last eight years die a slow death.  People I'd worked along side of, argued with and even battled a little, respected and loved, disappear one by one.

And I hate it.  Being the company that is purchased is hard. Many corners, many rooms hold a significant amount of memories - I find myself pausing and reflecting alot lately .  Sure, I still come in and do the work, just like I've done these last eight years.  But it's at times like these that such memories ware heavy on my heart.

I remember the personal victories I've had here and the lessons learned.  I recall those who've moved on who have invested in me, and of course I'm grateful.  If I'm honest, though, I'm a little bitter and I'm working on it slowly.  I didn't ask for these changes, I was more than content enough for life to continue as it was.  So why do i have to find myself another job - now?  Crap.

I'll miss talking to the guys/girls in the morning, or reading the comics.  I'll miss playing the Christmas songs in our office, the laughing in the midst of the constant ebb and flow of work.  The smell of Keurig coffee coming around the corner, and the constant banter from now departed employees. Sigh. Change sucks.  I really hope though I can find a company that was as much fun.

But I am grateful, you know.  Grateful for all the good I have, including this job :)  Grateful for the memories, for the growth in my life.  Grateful for the opportunity to invest in others, and be invested in.  Grateful for all the opportunities I've received - and there were many.  Grateful for it all.

Not sure how to end this - there's no phrase that effectively sums up how I feel.  My heart is pretty heavy, and I'm sorry that this is a little dreary.  So rather than coming up with something clever, I'll just end it - for now.

Saying Goodbye

The rain slowly falls - drip, drip, adding even more sadness to the day at hand.


Piece by piece, lives are slowly being changed.  Days like today, it's hard to see the good in it all.


But it is there.


Relationships made, friends loved, battles fought, small victories won.  But most importantly, memories made together.


And the rain continues to fall.


For some the end has passed - others, it ends today.  For several of us, the end is yet in sight.  Like dying a slow death, time has flown, and it has crawled, all leading to today.


Drip, Drip. Drip.


This loss has yet to fully sink in.  Sitting next to two empty cubicles, reality is hitting me little by little.


Of course I know the future holds more.  I have Hope that passes all understanding.


But that is for tomorrow.  Today is for a small amount of remembering, and a tad bit of grief.


The whistle blows.


Time for Work. Working amidst the slow pattering of rain.

Settling In

It's a balmy Sunday night.  My heart and head are full of so many thoughts to share that "rest" right now isn't really attainable at the moment.  Like a pot about to bubble over, I've got so much to share and not enough remaining hours in the night to say all that needs or wants to be said.  But I'll give it my best :)

We're settling in to our new place and for a basement apartment, it's fantastic.  Nicer than we could have ever expected, moving was as hard as I thought it would be - being older doesn't make it easier of course.  This time around, however, we were smart and gave yourselves a few days with plenty of help.  Thanks to the grand old Ikea, we've really been able to make it our home. The wife is happier than I've seen her, because it's ours and (the apartment at least) isn't being shared with anyone else other than our family.

To be honest I thought it would be harder than this.  Getting adjusted, missing them.  But apparently it's not.  If anything, it's freeing me up a bit more to think.  And, thanks to the advice of my trait marker buddy, I'm slowly making some lifestyle changes in an effort to reach a bit of a better balance in my writing and reading.

One thing I love to do is find old books.  After another visit to our library, I've managed to find another.  This one published in 1942, it's a collection of short stories, with several popular authors.(Note: I've tried to enter it but blogger is not working with me tonight).  Authors include Ernest Hemingway (The Snows of Kilimanjaro) and the Red Pony by John Steinbeck.)  Smells like an old book, feels like an old book as the binding is slowly falling apart.

Recent days have bee filled with school supplies purchasing and uniform finding. I've been greatly amazed at how quickly Stephy went from not wanting anything to do with school, to asking me about it daily :)  Just the other day she was telling us she never wanted to grow up, and to be honest, neither did I.  Those beautiful moments we share with our kids at the ages between 3 1/2 and 5 are unforgettable.  Who wants those days to pass quickly? Full of wonderment and awe, I'm constantly reminded of how much we love her and how much she loves us. 

In just a matter of a few days, we'll be walking her to school, like so many before have done.  I confess that at times it gets depressing.  Enjoyable of course, but a little sad too.  I have to remind myself that this is not all there is.  There's more waiting for me on the other side . . . .

Kindergarten

Dear Daughter,

We're just a few days away from your first day of kindergarten.  It's amazing how quickly you've come to like the idea of school, when just a week or so ago, you wanted nothing to do with it.  You even told me at one point that you wanted to stay little forever, as you quietly sucked your thumb and held your favorite blanket tight. I hate to admit it, but I actually liked the idea.  These last couple of years have been so wonderful, so precious with you, I just can't seem to get enough.

Now, you can't wait to go, and honestly your Mom and I are still struggling to let you go.

We have so many memories together in just the last five years, it's impossible to list them all.  Trips to the park, trips far away and to places near and dear.  Nights in watching a movie. Los tres, los tres! we yelled as we kissed you and held you tight.  There were so many nights you'd fall asleep before one of us got home, and we passed the time watching your angelic face as you slept, your chest rising and falling with every breath.

Even as I get older and my memory slowly starts to fade, there are things that are etched permanently in my mind.  For example, I still remember the day you were born like it was yesterday.  We waited to have you, you know.  We were working on your older sisters' paperwork, and always wanted them to feel a part of our family, regardless of the distance.  So we waited some time before you were born so that they could feel a part of it all.

So we planned, and waited, and planned some more.  Looking for clothes, food and furniture in the smallest of places.  So. much. fun.  Yet nothing could prepare us for the love we wold feel for you, nor the wonderful experiences we would share and the memories we'd make together.  Your mother would constantly talk to you as you waited to be born, with such loving words and compassion. I was always moved by her love for you, even in the midst of a difficult pregnancy.  Since you were my firstborn, I found myself constantly searching the internet for your different stages of development, foods for you to eat and what to do.  The day you entered this world, we wept in joy, grateful for the gift that God had given to us.

During those first few months, your mom was a trooper, being patient with me as I learned a new role.  I struggled at first (a lot actually), but she kept at it to help me be the dad I am now.  And you grew, slowly at first, but then quickly.  As you continued to grow so did our love for you, in ways I'd never imagined.

Then you started to crawl, then to walk, and then to form words.  I was constantly amazed at how quickly you developed.  Even the words you didn't know as well, you pronounced with such great force (Shashasocky - chocolate) - words only a parent would understand and love.  There were the vaccinations, the questions, the scrapes and bruises, all part of the wonderful cycle that is a family.

Then your sisters arrived, first the one, then the other, and you accepted them as your own. And while I know the adjustment of not being the center of all our love and attention was hard at first, you adapted and loved them. You've also made friends over these few years, and it has been my joy to watch you become generous and loving to them, slowly understanding the big world around you.

And now my baby girl, you stand so tall these days at the age of five, ready for the next step.  I must confess I'm not ready to let you go just quite yet.  Can't we just wait a little while longer to enjoy these last few summer days?  But it doesn't matter does it? You see, life keeps going whether we are ready for it or not.  All we can do is thank God for the memories we have and entrust you to Him for your future.

So as you begin yet another stage in your life, I pray that you will know that your Mother and I love you with all of your hearts.  We want you you to know that we support you in all you do, and are so grateful for these last five years.  We are here for you, honey, always and forever as long as God allows.  We are so very proud of you and what you have accomplished.  It has been an absolute joy to watch over you as you grow.

Have a great day your first day of school, honey.

Love,

Mom and Dad