Kindergarten

Dear Daughter,

We're just a few days away from your first day of kindergarten.  It's amazing how quickly you've come to like the idea of school, when just a week or so ago, you wanted nothing to do with it.  You even told me at one point that you wanted to stay little forever, as you quietly sucked your thumb and held your favorite blanket tight. I hate to admit it, but I actually liked the idea.  These last couple of years have been so wonderful, so precious with you, I just can't seem to get enough.

Now, you can't wait to go, and honestly your Mom and I are still struggling to let you go.

We have so many memories together in just the last five years, it's impossible to list them all.  Trips to the park, trips far away and to places near and dear.  Nights in watching a movie. Los tres, los tres! we yelled as we kissed you and held you tight.  There were so many nights you'd fall asleep before one of us got home, and we passed the time watching your angelic face as you slept, your chest rising and falling with every breath.

Even as I get older and my memory slowly starts to fade, there are things that are etched permanently in my mind.  For example, I still remember the day you were born like it was yesterday.  We waited to have you, you know.  We were working on your older sisters' paperwork, and always wanted them to feel a part of our family, regardless of the distance.  So we waited some time before you were born so that they could feel a part of it all.

So we planned, and waited, and planned some more.  Looking for clothes, food and furniture in the smallest of places.  So. much. fun.  Yet nothing could prepare us for the love we wold feel for you, nor the wonderful experiences we would share and the memories we'd make together.  Your mother would constantly talk to you as you waited to be born, with such loving words and compassion. I was always moved by her love for you, even in the midst of a difficult pregnancy.  Since you were my firstborn, I found myself constantly searching the internet for your different stages of development, foods for you to eat and what to do.  The day you entered this world, we wept in joy, grateful for the gift that God had given to us.

During those first few months, your mom was a trooper, being patient with me as I learned a new role.  I struggled at first (a lot actually), but she kept at it to help me be the dad I am now.  And you grew, slowly at first, but then quickly.  As you continued to grow so did our love for you, in ways I'd never imagined.

Then you started to crawl, then to walk, and then to form words.  I was constantly amazed at how quickly you developed.  Even the words you didn't know as well, you pronounced with such great force (Shashasocky - chocolate) - words only a parent would understand and love.  There were the vaccinations, the questions, the scrapes and bruises, all part of the wonderful cycle that is a family.

Then your sisters arrived, first the one, then the other, and you accepted them as your own. And while I know the adjustment of not being the center of all our love and attention was hard at first, you adapted and loved them. You've also made friends over these few years, and it has been my joy to watch you become generous and loving to them, slowly understanding the big world around you.

And now my baby girl, you stand so tall these days at the age of five, ready for the next step.  I must confess I'm not ready to let you go just quite yet.  Can't we just wait a little while longer to enjoy these last few summer days?  But it doesn't matter does it? You see, life keeps going whether we are ready for it or not.  All we can do is thank God for the memories we have and entrust you to Him for your future.

So as you begin yet another stage in your life, I pray that you will know that your Mother and I love you with all of your hearts.  We want you you to know that we support you in all you do, and are so grateful for these last five years.  We are here for you, honey, always and forever as long as God allows.  We are so very proud of you and what you have accomplished.  It has been an absolute joy to watch over you as you grow.

Have a great day your first day of school, honey.

Love,

Mom and Dad

Moments

I have often found Hollywood to be, well, sometimes too Hollywood.  But I think that over the last ten years or so, that even with the well-placed melodies over the most emotional of moments, there's been a reality it seeks.  And while some, well okay many, of the ideals that it presents I'm not a fan of or believe in, I think there's something to be had in a few of it's tender moments.

As a writer, there are moments in a movie where the world seems to stop for just a moment.  In this briefest of moments, I can see, nay, feel the purity of love and life.  I sense the serenity that man was meant to have before the Fall.  And while  I realize the moment was rehearsed multiple times, sounds dubbed over, lines written and edited, and momentary emotions exhibited, there's still a beauty that's there.  When I experience, I wish to revel in it, as enjoying a beautiful flower on a spring day, or that first smell of burnt wood in the fall.  I like to close my eyes and drink it in.

I've experienced this sensations in several movies.  Two that have stuck with me, however, were Quartet and most recently the Second Exotic Marigold Hotel.  I'm not quite sure whether it is the British actors and their sensational voices, or the Golden Age of life, there's a beauty that seems to have only gotten better with age . . . .

The latter of the two movies spoke to me in a way that i replayed the ending several times.  Maggie Smith's voiceover of the letter she has written spoke volumes.  It wasn't the words in the letter, it is what the movie showed beneath those words.  You could feel someone who appreciated the journey she'd taken.  And while her character was gruff, to the point, and of few words, there was a greater message you could feel/hear under that rough exterior.  Her character had worked as a nanny for over 40 years.  Watching children that weren't hers but loving them just the same; scrubbing floors, managing the affairs of the house - being loved, and loving others but with no family of her home.  The journey to India, becoming a co-owner of a hotel.

And while there were several subplots in the movie, the one that spoke to me is that this life, with all it's hardships, moments of both joy and sorrow, filled with those we love and who love us, are merely a part of the journey, preparing us for those eternal days.  Her character, as many that I know, quietly invested in the lives of those around her (them).  She never sought fame, nor even thanks for what she did.  But she did it out of love, even with her prickly character.

Moments like this remind us to better appreciate those in our "circle", I think.  We are challenged (or at least I am) to love and appreciate them that much more.  And so it is in this moment I write to you, savoring every last minute of it, not wanting the night to end.

And then there were five . . . .

Before having a family and becoming an adult, I used to be an avid reader.  In fact, I'd say that books, specifically mystery/suspense and fiction, captured my attention more than any other book.  Being a frequent visitor to the Pacific Northwest, I'd learned to appreciate rainy days and a comfortable french window.  Couple that with my love of tea, and my afternoons were tied up.

One of my favorite authors was Agatha Christie.  The suspense she held in her books was unlike anything I'd every read.  Up until that time, I'd pretty much only read Hardy Boys type books.  So Agatha's writing, specifically Poirot mysteries were simply fantastic.  I remember watching the Orient Express (the 1974 version) riveted to my television screen, hanging on each discovery.

The thing I've always appreciated about books is that they are limited only by my imagination.  Many times as a boy, I'd close my eyes, and see the places and the people I was reading on these pages.  In my personal opinion, I find that this is one of the main reasons movies never stack up to the books - because the world that we envisioned in our minds can almost never be reproduced on the cinematic screen.

Over time, my love of books has waned.  I suppose it's that I have struggled to find authors who can hold my attention, similar to the book Agatha wrote "And then there was one".  I still remember reading the letter at the end of the book, written by the "One."  I never saw that one coming . . . . What a brilliant concept.

To say her books influenced my scholarship would be a mild understatement.  I find myself drawn to British comedy, British shows (BBC version of Sherlock is my favorite my far) and I must confess I find myself remembering quotes from her book, like the one in my title.  I firmly believe that by reading so much as a youngster, I am slowly discovering my passion of writing.   Always fun to write about ideas or things that are important to me.  I've been writing for one book, and I wonder if I'll stop there   . . . . :)  Blogging is one of my outlets, practicing my writing so that maybe one day I can share more with the world.

So maybe now that you know that, you'll understand why today's post is so meaningful . . . .  Enjoy mis amigos.

Traitmarker Books

I find myself in the rarest of circumstances - at home alone.  Normally there are children at play, or televisions screaming, music blaring or the sounds of warrior vs paladin in the never ending pursuit for Azeroth.  There might be the burning of grease or the smells of freshly cooked whatever in the kitchen, saturating the air, the lighthearted banter of sisters catching up after time apart.

But not tonight.  The silence is literally deafening on this July 4th night, and I can feel the stress leaving my body as I write this.  Accompanied by good friends Teavana (orange blossom and youthberry - awesome combination either cold or hot) and my fan, I am allowed if but a few minutes to actually concentrate.  It feels weird :)  I almost don't know how to act or what to do.

Almost.  The air is muggy tonight, and at the risk of sounding unpatriotic, fireworks have lost their appeal.  I suppose the right thing to do is take the girls out to see them, but there is time for that yet.  For now, I turn to my old friend, my blog, for some much needed therapeutic release.

Tonight, I wanted to take a few minutes and get something off my chest that's been there for a while.  If any of you have read my posts, then you know of some of the struggles I have and continue to face.  One of the biggest consolations, though, in my fight with anxiety and some form of stress disorders, is the support that I've received.  You may also find it interesting that out of one of the major contributors of my stress/anxiety also came one of it's saviors, so to speak. His name is Robbie Grayson.

I don't remember when I first met Robbie on campus.  What I do remember though is I thought he was cool.  I knew he'd lived in Germany, and I was fascinated at folks who'd come abroad since at that time of my life, I'd never traveled.  Sometime over the next four years, he was a floor-leader.  A title reserved for those who were "in charge' of a floor.  Their responsibilities included ensuring their floor observed curfew, were in bed at night, had weekly floor meetings.  The biggest thing I remember about Robbie was not only was he in insanely good shape, but that he was sincere and down to earth.  Which was rare at a school where it seemed like everyone, including your author, was so desperately trying to fit in to the mold.  While we were not close, he seemed a cool person.

Years later, almost 20 to be exact, I ran into Robbie on Facebook, and discovered his POMO Zone philosophy - assuming that's the correct word.  I didn't understand it at the time, but he'd developed a curriculum for youth, targeting a specific generations.  And the more I read about it, the more absorbed I became.  It's as if he'd entered the mind of that generation, reached into their chests, and felt their hearts.  It seemed as if he knew just exactly what they'd thought and even more importantly, what they needed and wanted.

We exchanged pleasantries back and forth over the ensuing months.  He then introduce me to Traitmarker and the ideas behind it.  And to be honest, I blew it off.  I mean, I've had several personality tests and knew what I was - a Choleric who was Melancholy, a hidden type A with an IQ of 120.  To me, I couldn't see how another test could really benefit.  I mean after all, how many of them could there be right?  How many tests did one person need to "define" who he was in life?

So I hemmed and hawed, inwardly rolling my eyes at another "personality" test.  It sounded weird in some regards, yet the message of me being the only one of me in a million caused me to stop and think.  I mean we've met others who are similar to us - on the web today they were discussing celebrity doppelgangers.  And I'm sure that you the reader have been compared to complete strangers.  I don't know about you, but I hate it when they say - "hey you're just like so and so . . . " and found it annoying because I've never met that person.

Yet hear was a message I think we needed to all here - you are the only one of you.  Suddenly, the Traitmarker test philosophy made sense.  While there were going to be people I could relate to based on our similar traits - I was the only one with my traits, my background, and my personality.  It was that special ingredient that you ask about at restaurants, only for them to smile at the mystery and reveal nothing.  And so I took the test.  For those of you who've taken it, I'm a Dreamer and my supportive trait is Ender.

Now this is the part where you'd normally be told - "Traitmarker changed my life."  Well it didn't, at least not right away.  But what it did do for me is help me understand my struggle.  You see, my whole life I'd been thought of as a server.  I thought my place here on earth was to help those around me, either by serving meals or giving counsel.  Yet when I took this test, I realized I was something I'd never thought I'd be - Creative.

The power of that knowledge did change my perspective though, and allowed me to see why I'd enjoy the success in both my professional and personal life.  I began to realize that my success was coming from a Dreamer and not a Servant - and that in itself was life changing.  Why?  Well in my case, it not only answered some questions I'd had but also removed the stress.  You see, when you begin to understand yourself first, then you can understand your interaction with those around you.  You being to see what you are and who you are, and it's completely refreshing.

The interesting part though, is that Traitmarker doesn't stop there.  For some, it's a community to share ideas and to partner with others who are coming to similar realizations.  For others, like myself, it's a realization of gifts, such as writing, and allows me to hone my craft in preparation for my book. The Traitmarker community is extremely supportive, and I've only begun to scratch the surface.  So many writings who've had similar experiences, finding their voices and sharing them with the world.  I don't know there's any other place I'd rather be.

So whether you're a writer like me looking for a forum, or just wanting a different perspective on what makes you tick, head over here and get started.  I promise you, you won't regret it.

Hope to see you soon!