Missed Opportunties

 

Sunlights in Cafeteria, 1958, Hopper

Sometimes when the house is quiet and empty, as it is just now, I am allowed a few moments of clarity.  Currently Gabriel isn't running around, slinging his sock and conquering whatever monster he has imagined.  Diana isn't voicing her opinion to whatever inanimate object she has befriended.  No Telemundo, no Youtube, no one "needs" me.  Just quiet.  Sweet, blessed quiet.

It is in these very rare moments of silence that clarity comes to me as an old friend.  A rare visitor, it is in these moments of silent reflection that I come to see what was always right in front of me. As much as I think I give her credit, I am again reminded that my wife is a genius.  Maybe I don't have any "proof" other than my own experience, but that is enough for me.

When it comes to love, there is such a thing as bad timing.  I originally thought that the word was unrequited, but after checking the definition -  that is not the right word to use. Searching an online thesaurus revealed a few words.  "Unlucky" was common, as was "off."  The romantic writer in me saw "inopportune moment" and "poor timing" and those sounded better.

Inopportune moment.  Poor timing. Sigh. And painful ones at that. Is there more seemingly insurmountable than loving someone and they not love you back?  Have you ever waited so long for something to happen, and it. just not.?  

But I digress.

Almost 15 years ago, I met someone who I came to love very much.  When I first heard her voice, she had no idea I was listening.  Such sweetness, something so "dulce", and my heart grew ten times in size.  We met after what seemed like an eternity. I cared for her and I believe she cared for me.

And while we frequently saw, called and wrote to each other, it would be eight years before we were physically close, living in the same area.  Try as you might, however, you simply cannot "know" someone without seeing them.  Human tendencies dictate we put our best foot forward, which is easy to do in a telephonic style relationship.  Oftentimes you think you are sharing, developing some level of intimacy, only to realize as you look at them that you really know very little.

On the day she moved to be near me, I was elated.  Hopes and dreams abounded as I imagined our future together.  Well for a few years at least.  Finally - all I had dreamed of, the plans we had made - it was happening!

Then reality dropped in with a loud thud!

Three months.

In just three months, she found the love of her life.  In just three months, everything changed.  And while there was some hope we could still continue our relationship, I knew at that moment, many years ago, that my life changed in a way I did not want it to.  After waiting ten years, my new "reality" was devastating. 

My friends and family were optimistic.  Give it time, they said. So I hoped and prayed. But deep down I knew better.  Her heart belonged to another.

And I was done for.

Over what would be the next few years, there were good times.  We laughed together, cried together, and even had moments where it seemed we drew closer.  But those feelings stayed on the surface, never truly growing roots.  Eventually, frustration set in.  Words exchanged, feelings hurt, and we spent much needed time apart before going past the point of no return.

In time, fences were mended. Today things are, well, amicable, Yet life doesn't work out the way we want it to.  And as much as we want to change the past, we can only live in the present and hope for the future.  God gives us that, and the quiet promise that He is in control.

It's just as they say - it's no one's fault.  She simply met the man of her dreams.  She fell in love.

And that, my friends, is that.

Full Circle

Gas - Edward Hopper

Current Music Mood - Thirteen - Big Star


Should I really be surprised when things come full circle.  When prayers are answered and, after
seeming what was the longest of waits, things are as they were before?

It's been five weeks at the new job, and I feel the circle is complete.  Had some old friends over a week ago and we were watching videos taken almost ten years ago of construction we were doing in Mexico.

Before our current situation, the wife and I had planned out our future.  In an effort for this family to finally be together, we'd make our home in Mexico.  I'd find work as a teacher/translator and we'd build our home somewhere in the Yucatan peninsula, where our two oldest girls lived.  We thought about buying a house, but realized it would be easier (and cheaper) to simply put a second floor on the house in Yucatan.  Construction started, we'd made alot of progress and in 2009 things were moving along.

I know I've said this before, but life is truly amazing.  Now at the riper old age of 47, I can see the past and God's timing in it all.  Where I'd see the momentary stoppage/failure/change, I now see the provisions.  And I am amazed.

As I watched the video with my friends, my senses were piqued.  I closed my eyes and heard the birds chirping, the motos driving by our house on the way to market, and the house slowly warming as the sun rose.  I remember the warmth of the tortillas, the small of Zote filling the kitchen and sound of sandals shuffling along the floor.  Why had it been so long?

Not all houses have stoves ;)

Then I remembered.  Mari and I were expecting that same year (2009).  In 2010, we'd learn that our two oldest could come here, and everything changed.  Plans, the future, our hopes and dreams - everything.  So construction would be put on hold.  Money, time, and efforts were needed elsewhere.

But it would stop there.  Three months after our second child emigrated to the US, companies were acquired and my work situation changed drastically.  Over the next four years we'd suffer, and not have as much as we'd had before, or were used to.  I took jobs based on need rather than desire, but it was okay because we were altogether. But I couldn't get ahead.

Then, doors began to open.  Visas acquired, then we bought a house.  One thing led to another, and before I knew it I was back in the game.  A job that I enjoy with a company with endless potential. And it felt just like it did so many years ago.  Processes to improve, issues to handle - my surgical, almost archaeological type investigations unearthing what was previously hidden.  In the last 2-3 weeks, I've thought and dreamed of that old job so many times.  I feel at home.

Several weeks ago, we received current photos of our future home/floor plan.  Time hasn't been kind.  And with a father-in  law and a new pacemaker who now keeps our future home "warm",  the strings of our heart were tugged once again as we saw the disrepair.  Living in the land of the plenty, now being blessed as we were before arrangements have been made to continue the construction.

Amazing where technology is now.  Ten years ago, we burned dvds in our Sony Handy cam.  Now, videos are instantly sent across the Atlantic via cellular airwaves.  We can see real time updates as the flooring is installed, the tile is laid, and the painting is applied.  It's costly, but we are grateful to have what lacked before.

My sister-in-law sent me a video.  I heard the mariachi song play, the same bird chirped and I could hear the humming of life, just as it's been every time I've visited.  Yet in the quickest of moments, I saw something that would completely yank my heart.

It was the moment my father in law was sitting on the edge of his bed, seeing his "updated" surroundings.  It's as he is taking it all in, absolutely amazed at what he sees.  I've heard how hard life has been for him - extreme poverty, the loss of his wife, separation from several of his children due to economical hardships.  And now he has - this. Tears came to my eyes. I'm not rich in financial terms, but i have been blessed with love and the greatest of families. And now, after several years of hardship and suffering, I am finally able to share that with someone in need.  It is breathtaking, awe inspiring, and humbling in the quickest of seconds.  Never could have imagined it, am eternally grateful for it, and I can't wait for next opportunity.

Family

I'm going to do and be something that I don't usually do and that's be bold.  This blog is going to be different.  I've spent the last year and 3 months trying to write what would people wanted to read.  I've quietly wondered who reads my blogs, and became so discouraged when readership was low, that I actually quit for a while.

You see I grew up in a conservative home, one whose inward goings on definitely did not match what was shown on Sunday morning.  The challenging part with emotional scars is that they aren't visible, but oftentimes the effects are.  I was trained to be a certain way and all the way to college and beyond, I tried to fit in a mold.  And that's what I expected from both myself and my writing.

But I'm not that person.  And at the age of 40 I've grown tired and I'm done.  So I've changed the name of the blog to what I enjoy and my thoughts here will continue to be realistic.  The difference is that my aim is not to be somebody or gain readership, it's simply to give you a look into my life.

If there's one thing I've learned, is that othersmore like me.  Children who were abused growing up, physically and emotionally, and worse.  We grew up in a time where divorce was not quite yet normal, and we struggled to show our identity.  We struggled so hard to be liked by those in power over us, and yet never quite measured up.

The beauty of today's society is that it's tired of fake, it's tired of the same routine.  They are finished with the "Do as I say, not as I do."  And I love it.  Today's world is about being real, and not about following the company line.

Is the change in this blog a sort of New Year's resolution?  Maybe.  Is it permanent?  God, I sure hope so.

The picture at the top of this blog is of my extended family in Chiapas, Mexico.  My wife is from Mexico and she has alot of family from there.  Many of you might have visited Cancun, or Cabos, or Monterrey - this is different.  You see, the parts I'm used to are the poor parts.  Where the air conditioning is natural, with fans move the warm air around.  Water comes to the house in a very small tube, and major construction is often done with dynamite.  Work is hard to come by and you work 60 hours a week for about $30.

According to our country's standards, our family is poor.  Tables are drawn out to the street for ventilation and light, plastic lawn chairs are their form of dinner seating, and kitchen knives are used as can openers.  Indoor plumbing in the kitchen is a luxury, sanitation a fight to maintain, and the power can go at a moment's notice.

If I close my eyes, I can hear the little town's "news" on the car driving by, being shouted through a mounted magaphone.  I see the scrawny dogs in the streets, staring at me with sad eyes because there is no food.  And the stares, while friendly, are always there.  A big white blond guy in the middle of so many Hispanics - it's definitely alot of fun.

And because I've seen this first hand, that's why this picture is so poignant to me.  It's my nephew's birthday.  His mother died a long time ago, and his father abandoned him.  He lives with my inlaws, and is one of the family.  Some may see this picture and see poverty or inconvenience or even feel sorry for them. 

Yet here I see love and support - sharing whatever you have with those who have less, where it is a blanket or a warm meal.  In our part of town no one is lonely on Christmas, because the neighbors ensure that those with nothing enjoy at least one day with someone.  It's amazing - in the poorest of houses, i have seen the richest families.  Rich beyond wealth, because they value their family and their love much more material possession.  I see this picture and I miss them very much . . .