A much needed break

Tonight I needed a break.  Two days of being shut in will make one feel suffocated.

Today was a family day.  And it was, but a quiet one.  Tonight, after being inside for two days straight, I needed a break.

Not sure if you've been here before but, sometimes I feel that every good book has been read, and that every original concept of a movie has been made.  My brain sits unchallenged, un-worked, and I feel - stale.  And it's too much to bear.

I watched Joy tonight, and could relate initially with JL's character so much.  The sting of failure after failure, wondering how low you can go.  I said to my wife the other day that I couldn't understand how I could have so much potential and be so poor. Well, I know the why, it's just fixing it that's the hard part.  And I have no idea how.  It's like something is missing, and I can't tell you what "it" is. or even how to get there.  It's hard not to feel like a failure.

I wonder if I should be a writer.  But I lack that great concept to write about.  And I fear I may never find it.

I figured I could be a scholar . . . but what does that mean?

Sometimes I just feel - lost.

Tonight was one of those nights.

So I did the only thing I could come up with.  I took Stephanie to McDonald's and had an ice cream.   Her smile always seems to cheer me up.  Oh yes, I know, it's a school night.  Which i'm sure made the treat that much sweeter for her.  She calls it "Stephanie and Daddy" time. And I don't mind at all.

As we drove the windy road back to the home, my mind traveled to pre-technology days.  I've always been a sucker for Hopper's work.  I've read biographies about him, and have dreamed of seeing more of his works at the Whitney Art Museum.   I wondered what it would be like to have no computer, to have no TV.  to only have a radio.  But I'm old enough to know that sometimes life looks a little rosier through those glasses than it really was.

I've thought about my legacy, wondering what I'm leaving to my kids.  Tonight it doesn't seem like much.

I know I've changed the lives of 3 people, and I'm guessing that should be enough.

But sometimes I feel I could be doing more.  I want to do more.  But I lack the education to know what that is.  And if I found it, would I truly be happy?

And there are other days, where I "do" so much, with so little result.

No matter how hard the road, though, I do have them.  And it gets me through the day, no matter how hard it may feel.  Especially looking into those four sets of brown eyes.




I'm trying, bud.  I'm trying.