Still saying Goodbye

I've been feeling melancholy the last day or two.  I'm sure most of it has to do with starting another chapter.  And in truth I should be happy, thrilled to say the least.  But I'm not.  I supposed because it's time to say goodbye once more.

(I wrote this post earlier this year - June I think).  And while I'd love to tell you that I've conquered this one, yeah, I'm still working on it.)

I know - we separated sometime ago.  Truth is, I've been so busy preparing the future - and that was harder than I'd that I've not been able to bring myself to say goodbye.  At least not until today. 

There's much I missed out in this life, but the last 5 years have more than made up for it.  And as I stand at the next fork in the road, there's both a feeling of sadness and joy.  Sadness for the friends I'll leave behind, and joy at what the future holds.  And while I'll continue to make sacrifices for all my days, today these are hard.

To be honest, I don't enjoy summer.  I LOVE Fall and Winter. And it seemed wherever I've gone the last couple of days, each road, every path has been filled with memories of what used to be. And to that life I say goodbye, and thank you.

For without you, I would not be the man I am today.  You've molded me into a stronger and more confident individual, equipping me with tools to provide a better future.  Each time I drove my car, I'd pause a moment to remember those early morning drives.  I remembered both the battles and the victories, the joys and the sorrows of it all.

A much needed break

Tonight I needed a break.  Two days of being shut in will make one feel suffocated.

Today was a family day.  And it was, but a quiet one.  Tonight, after being inside for two days straight, I needed a break.

Not sure if you've been here before but, sometimes I feel that every good book has been read, and that every original concept of a movie has been made.  My brain sits unchallenged, un-worked, and I feel - stale.  And it's too much to bear.

I watched Joy tonight, and could relate initially with JL's character so much.  The sting of failure after failure, wondering how low you can go.  I said to my wife the other day that I couldn't understand how I could have so much potential and be so poor. Well, I know the why, it's just fixing it that's the hard part.  And I have no idea how.  It's like something is missing, and I can't tell you what "it" is. or even how to get there.  It's hard not to feel like a failure.

I wonder if I should be a writer.  But I lack that great concept to write about.  And I fear I may never find it.

I figured I could be a scholar . . . but what does that mean?

Sometimes I just feel - lost.

Tonight was one of those nights.

So I did the only thing I could come up with.  I took Stephanie to McDonald's and had an ice cream.   Her smile always seems to cheer me up.  Oh yes, I know, it's a school night.  Which i'm sure made the treat that much sweeter for her.  She calls it "Stephanie and Daddy" time. And I don't mind at all.

As we drove the windy road back to the home, my mind traveled to pre-technology days.  I've always been a sucker for Hopper's work.  I've read biographies about him, and have dreamed of seeing more of his works at the Whitney Art Museum.   I wondered what it would be like to have no computer, to have no TV.  to only have a radio.  But I'm old enough to know that sometimes life looks a little rosier through those glasses than it really was.

I've thought about my legacy, wondering what I'm leaving to my kids.  Tonight it doesn't seem like much.

I know I've changed the lives of 3 people, and I'm guessing that should be enough.

But sometimes I feel I could be doing more.  I want to do more.  But I lack the education to know what that is.  And if I found it, would I truly be happy?

And there are other days, where I "do" so much, with so little result.

No matter how hard the road, though, I do have them.  And it gets me through the day, no matter how hard it may feel.  Especially looking into those four sets of brown eyes.




I'm trying, bud.  I'm trying.

Summer's End

The wife and I attended our neighbor's birthday party tonight.  As the sun set and we sat on the porch outside, I couldn't help but pull myself from the hubbub around me and stare at the trees.  Taking a deep breath I slightly soaked it all in - the sights, the sounds, the feeling of the moment.  We are about to enter my favorite time of the year, and I could feel it.

I've no clue why this time of year makes me so nostalgic.  Mari and I were sharing that thought just a few hours ago.  If my faith and acupuncture have taught me one thing, is that we are spiritual beings.  And I can feel the fall coming  . . .

Maybe it's the introduction of cooler temperatures, or the scents of fall.  It might be the temporary sadness that summer is over, that another "click" on the counter of years has just turned another number.  Maybe ti's the anticipation of the joy of another holiday season or two right around the corner.

Whatever "it" is, I love my life right now.  The last year, has proven challenging.  But those challenges I can happily say are now victories.  I lost a job, yet now have a job, doing something I love.  I started my own business and failed, yet found my "calling" and after 40 years, know for the first time what I'm meant to do.

And I'm excited for what the future holds.